a coned/half blind cat that wants food before dawn

pretty sure i alerted the danger sense in the derp dogs when i screamed at the cat to kindly “fucking stop” early this morning before the sun was even awake. really, i do feel bad for the little kitty man, but just because you now have one eye and a cone on to keep you from scratching the zombie eye doesn’t mean you get to be an asshole. and the other cat in the house, who is morbidly obese, tries to attack him ( i have not seen any evidence to support this) so i have to keep them separated. also, the other dog, being of small brain and gargantuan body, will not leave me alone. he’s too fucking big. 

right then. i have many pizza rolls and cheesy popcorn to stave off my impending mental breakdown, there’s wine too. and soon to be the best fucking eggflower soup on this earth with jasmine tea. sounds like a winning mix for my already torched stomach lining. must stop drinking. but when someone buys you a bottle of wine called “cookies and cream,” you’re not sober until it’s finished. 

guys, there’s a wine called fancy pants too. the cuter the name, the more of it i tend to drink. this marketing campaign is going to give me cirrhosis. 

here’s the part where my real followers come in. i’m not up for making another suck list yet, since it would mostly consist of all the shitty grown up things in my life right now. it just wouldn’t be funny. SO: ask me anything and i will answer it. there is no personal boundary that you could cross with me, i dare you to try. you can ask as many questions as you want. but don’t ask me stupid things like: who was your first love (it was probably a cat, most likely my pitbull cause that shit’s never going sour), what inspires you to write this blog (please. spare me), what’s your favourite soap so i can buy it and reek of your grace (please don’t find my ip address), and so on. 

 

customers who complain about your magazine collection

really dude? like anyone looks at that shit anyway. this may not be a doctor’s office but you have to know that any room deemed “the waiting room” is bound to be filled to the brim with outdated articles and 10 ways to lose your belly fat. besides the point, you can’t target one area of your body and expect it to surrender all those little fatty cells that are hoarding all the carbs and sugars you insist on consuming. another word for over consumption: MURICA.

now i’m just getting distracted. but that’s ok because i really have no idea what kind of a tirade i plan (?) to go on today. not that i ever do, but it’s the thought that counts, right?

the tiniest person just walked into the office. i’m not sure how old this kid is, but he’s been bringing in that bonneville for a couple years now, and lord knows he resembles an old lady driving from behind. DUDE’S LITTLE. another thing, when he told me it was getting the freon recharged, it came out more like “retard.” and i haven’t even had my redbull yet. 

is it tomorrow yet? cause guess what minions: i’ll be drinking wine on a roof whilst wearing my red bottom badass bitches. i know what you’re thinking: these white bitches just loveee to wear they high heels and try to get hammered on rooftops. they fall off erry time. you’re wrong, it’s actually a fancy (as fancy as lancaster blvd gets) place. 

i’ll probably still fall off.

it’s josie’s birthday, maybeee i should stick to 2 glasses. 

i won’t.

who are we kidding?

need new topic. HALP.

my sleeve is almost finished. hopefully monday i get my much needed therapy. you know what gets me? it’s obviously a fucking peacock, but people still feel the need to ask what it is. my last response was ” a dodo bird” because i feel bad about them going extinct and shit. also, i follow the shop i got to on facebook. i saw a cover up to end all cover ups, and i sincerely don’t mean this in a good way. the original piece was some dude’s name with a little clover next to it. the cover up, and get this ladies and honkies, was a giant clover with some other dudes name right underneath it. the redundancy level is TOO DAMN HIGH. this bitch is stupid as fuckkkk.

my coffee’s gone room temperature on me, i suppose that makes it iced coffee now because my nipples are falling off it’s so cold in this office. but the minute i step outside my fortress of paper work and social media, my figurative balls are sticking to my leg like an annoying child that trails around your ankles at an amusement park all day. don’t you love my specifics? there’s no happy medium here. 

 

family

sorry, but family does suck. at least mine does. that’s why i’m glad i have you people: my fake family.

 

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if anyone i know immediately due to blood relation ever saw what i dare to splay out on my blog, they would have a shit fit and try to perform the last exorcism of the child that went horrifically wrong. 

i just listened to my dad and aunt talk over each other for an hour on a family topic that i will never speak of simply because i’ve tried giving everyone “the shit” as i like to call it. no one listens to my wisdom. i am 22. but really i’ve been in narnia for 38 years and am past the point of wisdom, my exterior just fails to reflect that. it’s cool though cause i’m still young and sexy. 

speaking of sexy. i’m going to a wedding in june. black dress that looks like a classy version of a naughty lawyer with thigh high garter stockings. also black. the goal here, ladies and guys who suck and can’t ever do anything right, is to out do the bride. and by that time my sleeve will be completed.

i win so hard.

ANYWAYYYYYYY so yet again i’ve been nominated by this sweet little lady **kateginnivan.com** for the wordpress family award. sorry girl, but my heart stopped beating a while back so my post was far from sentimental. satan welcomes me with open arms and a smile. 

of course, there are cyberspace rules that i could care less if you follow. these are super boring and have no questionnaire attached so i lost all interest entirely. but since my spirits are still high, i have decided to add a bonus section. because fuck tha po-lice, a bitch does what she wants. my job is to make you smile with my crude and irreverent humour. 

BORING RULES:

  1. Display the logo on your blog
  2. Link back to the person who nominated you
  3. Nominate up to 10 others you see as having an impact on your WordPress experience and family
  4. Let WordPress family members know you have bestowed the award upon them.                     

FUN SHIT TO KEEP YOU OCCUPIED AT YOUR HORRIBLE DESK JOB:

     1. find the tiniest object within reaching distance and balance it on your pinky toe. report back to no one when you’ve defeated the task.

      2. go to youtube and search ghost in the stalls. you’ll thank me.

      3. the next time you step outside, take a deep breath. inhale all that smoggy goodness and thank buddha for not turning you into a desert mouse.

       4. find a desert mouse and feed it cheez its. this has been proven to give you the best karma.

        5. hug yourself sincerely in front of a medium sized crowd and tell them it’s from me.

now that you’ve sat through all that hoo ha, here are my choices.

PEOPLE WHO DON’T SUCK

http://moviewriternyu.wordpress.com/

http://20somethingfemalelogic.wordpress.com/

you thought i was going to have a whole list didn’t you? just goes to show you that i love these bloggers and not you. try harder. 

something that DOESN’T suck

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OH WHATTTTTTTT

BOO YA

SHAKALAKA SHAKALAKA

SHAKAKAN

excuse me while i come down from my “you like me, you really like me!!” moment and deflate my ego. NAH forget that.

my measly blog has struck the fancy of a certain awesome blogger >>>>>((http://kateginnivan.com/2013/02/18/so-now-im-a-leibster-award-winner/))<<<<< and she has bequeathed me with a token of awesomeness.

yes, i love a da writing (spoken in true jamaicamon form) and it pleases me so to see that it shows through my masterpieces.

ok, works.

ok, pieces.

ok, it’s a freaking blog and half the time i don’t even check to see if my grammar is proper.

SHOUT OUT TO DICK NATE WHO ALWAYS HAS SOMETHING OF A DICKLIKE NATURE TO SAY

love you bro.

ahhhhh, i shall stop babbling and answer the questions given to me so i can go study for my state board exam. which is tomorrow. i started vaguely studying yesterday. WISH ME LUCK YOU BASTARDS

first things: 11 facts about the crazy cat lady behind this blog

  • 6 cats. 2 dogs. not enough fur to make me happy
  • there is always cat puke somewhere in my room or within a 5 foot radius of wherever i am in the house
  • enough about cats. i have the greatest pitbull in the world.
  • ballet. sometimes i love it, mostly i hate it. but i still do it.
  • sometimes, i don’t stop eating because whatever is in my mouth is way too yummy to squander
  • hi, my name is stephanie, and i’m a wine o holic
  • pretty sure my boyfriend reads NONE of this
  • damn proud of my 1480 SAT score from 2009. ya ya, it’s in the past. is the scoring different now? cause when i took it, that was an awesome score.
  • sidetracked. all. the. time.
  • not afraid to scratch my boobs or pick a wedgie in the sober daytime
  • over thinking what this last tid bit should be. that’s it. i over think. every ting

1)       Who or what has most influenced your writing?

* the definitely not serious and borderline offensive style: louise rennison

* the actual compilations that you will probably never see because they’re a part of my       soul: ellen hopkins and libba bray

2)       What is your favourite memory?

* oregon as a kid

3)       If you were stranded on a deserted island, what is the one book you would want with you?

* any one of the gemma doyle trilogy books. you may desert me on an island and throw any of those along with me, and i’ll be happy.

4)       Do you have a writing routine?

* absolutely not

5)       What was the last song you turned up loud and sang along with?

* lord have mercy…….short dick man. really! it’s funny

6)       Of what are you most proud?

* my puppy. it’s like i gave birth to this awesome pseudo child but it’s not human, thank god.

7)       Which of your blog posts is your best and why?

* 100 things that suck part one and two. because they’re all true and anyone who reads it probably thinks “dammit, i fucking hate when that happens”

8)       What is your favourite quote?

* as far as cages go, it is a gilded one. but i shall not live well in it, or any cage -libba bray

9)       Where is “home” for you (either literally or figuratively)?

* literally, the desert and it sucks. figuratively, next to my boyfriend’s hairy chest and low rumble of a snore, slightly sweaty from being trapped under his one arm and leg.

10)   Tea or coffee?

* like that’s even a question. TEA

11)   Finish this sentence: Tomorrow, I really want…

* to pass state board and get my license. then celebrate with cocktails and a spa day

P.S. i will go on to nominate those 11 fabulous bloggers when i have the time to search and decide. you won’t be forgotten!

HEEEEEEEYYYYYYAAAAAAA they ahhhhh:

1.)http://moviewriternyu.wordpress.com/

2.)http://titillatingthoughts.wordpress.com/

3.)http://fashionforlunch.wordpress.com/

4.)http://mooselicker.wordpress.com/

5.)http://theevolutionofeloquence.wordpress.com/

6.)http://thecitizensoffashion.com/

7.)http://20somethingfemalelogic.wordpress.com/

8.)http://jsethphotography.wordpress.com/

9.)http://lipstickandstilletos.wordpress.com/

10.)http://peasandcougars.com/

11.)http://badlandsbadley.wordpress.com/

and heeeeeeeyyyyyyaaaaaa ahhhhhhhhh yo questions. don’t expect them to be relative to anything serious or involving literature:
1.) what do you bring with you when you know you’re about to spend some quality time in your poo haven?
2.) what are your views on hairless cats?
3.) do you really work out and try to eat right, or are you just damn lucky to be naturally in decent shape?
4.) how many hours into the day until your feet smell?
5.) how many of you will take a celebratory shot for this bitch right here who is licensed and employed within 3 days of passing her test?
6.) dis for mah gentleman readers: would you proudly take a frou frou shot/drink and like it?
7.) what length would you go to to punch nicki minaj in the face?
8.) do guys really mean it when they say your 2 day old hair and unshaven legs don’t bother them?
9.) what’s your favourite jenna marbles video? (if you haven’t seen any, you’re dead to me and should be taken off this list)
10.) would you believe me if i told you that i’ve been published? cause you should
11.) have you ever been directly peed/puked on by any or one of your own pets?
PS: you are to write a blog about this and: make 11 facts about yourself that can potentially make people giggle, and answer my fucking brilliantly worded questions that are in no way boring. pretty much an acceptance speech for an inanimate award. you should also mention me as well because i have been nice to you. not that this is a stipulation of my ego, but it’s actually a rule. a cyberspace rule that may or may not be followed, depending on how much of a douche you are 😀