my grandma’s decrepit dog

shit is so ugly i can’t stand to look at her. being of yorki and chihuahua, with a widely noticeable under bite, she makes a good case for world’s ugliest dog. she comes fully equipped with: periods of staring, which also include small whimpers and whining, the inability to get onto the couch by herself (selectively), mass tissue/trash massacres, the need to go outside every five minutes, and also a general hideousness that invokes a slight hatred. 

it was brought to my attention that i possess no pictures or obsessive love for the “cats” that have been my trademark name. i’m not even sure of the last time i genuinely smothered a cat against its will. not sure i really possess the desire to do so anymore. none of them sleep consistently with me, and i have a HEATER BLANKET. 

i am contemplating a name change for all of my blogs and other social media..things. since i am completely and unequivocally enamored with my pitbull, i feel that he has earned his rightful place in my name. 

NAMES THAT MAY OR MAY NOT WORK

1.) thisbitchandherdog – kinda boring, but the people that support the change have spewed it so here you go.

2.) thisbitchanderpit – this is my personal favourite, so obviously it wins. but i find myself asking myself “this bitch and what pit? pit of: despair, wild geese, vodka, etc.” i’m not sure it works. or that i should even stoop to a name change because people are stupid and want their ideas to be synonymous with my own. 

i put it to a vote. someone fucking respond. 

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a coned/half blind cat that wants food before dawn

pretty sure i alerted the danger sense in the derp dogs when i screamed at the cat to kindly “fucking stop” early this morning before the sun was even awake. really, i do feel bad for the little kitty man, but just because you now have one eye and a cone on to keep you from scratching the zombie eye doesn’t mean you get to be an asshole. and the other cat in the house, who is morbidly obese, tries to attack him ( i have not seen any evidence to support this) so i have to keep them separated. also, the other dog, being of small brain and gargantuan body, will not leave me alone. he’s too fucking big. 

right then. i have many pizza rolls and cheesy popcorn to stave off my impending mental breakdown, there’s wine too. and soon to be the best fucking eggflower soup on this earth with jasmine tea. sounds like a winning mix for my already torched stomach lining. must stop drinking. but when someone buys you a bottle of wine called “cookies and cream,” you’re not sober until it’s finished. 

guys, there’s a wine called fancy pants too. the cuter the name, the more of it i tend to drink. this marketing campaign is going to give me cirrhosis. 

here’s the part where my real followers come in. i’m not up for making another suck list yet, since it would mostly consist of all the shitty grown up things in my life right now. it just wouldn’t be funny. SO: ask me anything and i will answer it. there is no personal boundary that you could cross with me, i dare you to try. you can ask as many questions as you want. but don’t ask me stupid things like: who was your first love (it was probably a cat, most likely my pitbull cause that shit’s never going sour), what inspires you to write this blog (please. spare me), what’s your favourite soap so i can buy it and reek of your grace (please don’t find my ip address), and so on.