not having a working computer to blog on

guys i know why i haven’t been on here now. it’s because my mom played too many facebook games while she should have been cleaning (instead of bitching about how much cleaning there is to do in a house that she insisted my father move us into)((elaborate, i know, but you didn’t come here to read anything non elaborate)) and done got herself a virus and now that piece of shit pc can barely muster up enough courage to load the main screen. SO, seeing as iphones are fucking weak sucks when it comes to typing anything out or applying online for a job that will get you nowhere in life except stuck in a break room standing around a water dispenser type thing, i have not blogged. these sentences are fantastically long, i hope you’re keeping up. otherwise i might have to publicly shame you for being a moron. tumblr: making viral examples of idiots everywhere, for all time.

giving “how to draw on your eyebrows” lessons via text message is a hard fucking task to accomplish. i couldn’t even tell you the synopsis of a book without giving unnecessary details and/or spoiling the ending completely. how do you people (friends) expect me to teach you how to get marvelous fucking eyebrows like mine over the phone? picture references, come on. i have like 80 pictures solely dedicated to my rows. i swear to you, that is the only hashtag i ever use aside from “pooter” (my awesome pitbull).

i couldn’t get away from the heater this morning, now i’m freezing my fucking nads off.

i suppose there needs to be some sort of topic. who wants a topic? anyone? no? ok.

thinking about lighting the “summer rain” scented candle just to keep warm. not that it will help, but seeing fire makes you innately warmer, right? i put summer rain in quotations because the candle in question here may in fact smell like “spring rain” or “winter rain” or “that not so seasonal part of the year where it’s perfect all day then your sprinklers freeze over and now you have to call your dad or a plumber or whoever the fuck fixes sprinklers rain.”

i’ve got it. i should start a tangent list. like the hate list, but instead of limiting myself to a few key words, i should just blow the fuck up. i love myself sometimes, i come up with the best most negative things ever. as usual, i will take requests, and as usual NONE OF YOU WILL MOVE SOME ASS AND FUCKING SUGGEST SOMETHING. therefore, i shall prepare.

i’ll most likely be typing this out today since i have a working computer in front of me thank you JESUS. look forward to it, sniff the screen when it’s posted, bask in the glory of the tangent.

if i don’t post it because i forgot or got sucked into tumblr, be mad. it’s a perfectly natural emotion and cheeseburgers are good for you. smoke a cigarette to calm you down, because yoga is stupid. guys i hate this computer, it’s doing this fun thing where if i click to add a word or what have you, it just highlights the area and when i try to type in something new it just starts deleting letters from the following word. what the fuck is your fucking problem you fucking robot from hell. So there is a sentence that states “i have 80 pictures solely dedicated to my rows when REALLY what i was trying to fucking say was that “i have 80 pictures solely dedicated to my HASHTAG EYEBROWS.” but nevermind, i won’t have the sentence worded the way my little heart desired for fucks sake. have it your way you outdated home office computer.

i have another redbull. byeeeeeeee

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part two. because more things pissed me off in particular today

1.) pills that either taste so nasty that your throat closes up and rejects the pill, or stick to the roof of your mouth, which also results in your throat denying any pill access. 

2.) biting your lip

3.) biting your lip in the same place

4.) having clean hair but putting too much product in it so now it looks greasy

5.) when your curls only hold on one side of your head so you look like you really don’t know how to do your own hair properly

6.) when one eye has better eyeshadow/mascara

7.) people who don’t signal

8.) people who purposefully move so far over that you can’t pass them

9.) having to pee after you get your nails done

10.) cupboards that never quite make it all the way closed

11.) when your clothes get caught on a door handle and you look like a jackass for wrestling with the handle to give you back your shirt or pants

12.) when your fingers are dry and you can’t turn the pages

13.) calling customer service, and absolutely none of the numbers describe the nature of your problem

14.) when ctrl p fails you

15.) the fact that the siri in the commercials is infinitely more intelligent and helpful than the one you are actually given 

16.) when your fingers are too cold for your heat responsive iphone to know that you’re there

17.) the iphone charger. why is it so short?

18.) dropping your phone on your face in bed

19.) thinking you’re old enough to watch a scary movie without getting the creeps when you finally go to bed. but only after watching spongebob to get your mind off it

20.) the wayans brothers

21.) most modern snl skits

22.) people who don’t laugh at “dick in a box” or are opposed to making it your halloween costume 

23.) when i answer the phone with my company name, and the dumbass on the other end asks if this is <insert company name> 

24.) when you go for a tissue and the whole box decides it’s time to come out

25.) extremely thing tissues

26.) getting a crusty nose as a result of the common cold.

27.) when the toilet water horrifically rises as you flush it (this is not particular to any location)

28.)  when you get to a light before anyone else, yet your light is last to change

29.) people who start to accelerate and somehow plateau at 25 mph before waiting another mile to start speeding up

30.) people who can’t stay in their own lane

31.) people who think that a light rain is a tropical storm and that you are required to drive 20 miles under the speed limit WHILE slamming on the breaks for a huge puddle

32.) people not familiar with the road you take home

33.) traffic.

34.) fat people who move a lot in the booth behind you

35.) asians that charge you a dolla to use your credit card

36.) even worse, when white people charge you to use your card

37.) asian ladies at the nail salon

38.) stubbing your toes. mainly the pinky

39.) pants that fit, but you still can’t get the button to close because the manufacturer made the button hole smaller than it should be

40.) feeling like a fatass because of it ^^

41.) bell bottom pants that could fit a child in each leg

42.) jeans that ride so low you need a bikini wax and you better hope you have a short buttcrack

43.) chihuahuas

44.) small dogs that bark or bite your ankles

45.) owners of those dogs

46.) old people at the store that are wrong about the discount, even though the clerk gives it to them anyway

47.) slow grocery store employees

48.) the DMfreakingV

49.) the people who work at the DMV

50.) even the envelope your DMV information comes in

51.) doctors who are all too quick to write you a prescription without even mentioning the results of your urine sample 

52.) making a urine sample and trying so hard not to pee on your own hand

53.) handling the urine sample, because the feeling of pee warmed containers is just wrong

54.) being parched, and only having a warm water bottle to drink from which, coincidentally, tastes like plastic because it’s been baking in the sun and all of the chemicals have seeped into your supply

55.) people who are so sure they’re right about something, they’ll bet you

56.) being that person, and losing money

57.) the person who waits till they have everyone’s attention, tells a joke, then makes sure everyone laughs by making uncomfortable eye contact with each person

58.) prolonged eye contact

59.) prolonged hugging

60.) awkward silences

61.) homophobes

62.) bros

63.) hummers

64.) mexican guys that hit on you and say things like “bonita, hermosa, novia, corazon”

65.) black guys that hit on you and say “i don’t care” when you tell them you have a boyfriend

66.) older guys in jeans with receding hairlines that try to make conversation with you

67.) being just drunk enough to where you have to squint and/or keep one eye closed to text

68.) people who think their ecigarettes make them look sophisticated

69.) people who make 69 jokes whenever the opportunity arises

70.) celebrity marriages

71.) celebrity babies

72.) tmz

73.) people who can’t spell and ask you

74.) people who aren’t even listening to your conversation but say “whatttt” whenever you get excited or pissed off about something

75.) people who get offended when you get annoyed that they just butted into your conversation wanting to know the details when they put in zero effort

76.) people who try to talk politics when they don’t know shit

77.) people who don’t tip you after you’ve just spent your time on them

78.) parts drivers. they always hit on the female receptionist

79.) working at an auto shop (which i do) and having the male customers watch everything you write on the repair order then they STILL ask to see a mechanic. all because you’re a woman

80.) women who act stupid on purpose

81.) women who can’t drive

82.) asian women in minivans. the “trifecta”

83.) backseat drivers

84.) when your mom uses the “oh shit” handle at every opportunity

85.) when your uncle teaches you how to drive

86.) mullets

87.) fat people who breathe so heavily that you’re worried they’re stealing all of the oxygen in the vicinity

88.) fat people on disability

89.) welfare

90.) taxes

91.) the cost of a room at the cosmopolitan in vegas 😦

92.) not being able to party in vegas every weekend

93.) people who wear patterns that don’t match

94.) when people: let their t shirt hang out under their sweatshirt, leave their jean pockets slightly out, have one or both sleeves slightly rolled up and NOT do anything about it (this also applies to the hem) shoelaces for belts, hats barely secured to head and tilted sideways

95.) when people think that acting ghetto and having swag is a good thing

96.) when you have to turn your router on and off every time you need to use the internet

97.) when your mac freezes 50 times a day.

98.) when you’re not sure if there is or isn’t poop on your shoes

99.) when there is poop on your shoes

100.) wanting to poop, but only producing little pellets 

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