my grandma’s decrepit dog

shit is so ugly i can’t stand to look at her. being of yorki and chihuahua, with a widely noticeable under bite, she makes a good case for world’s ugliest dog. she comes fully equipped with: periods of staring, which also include small whimpers and whining, the inability to get onto the couch by herself (selectively), mass tissue/trash massacres, the need to go outside every five minutes, and also a general hideousness that invokes a slight hatred. 

it was brought to my attention that i possess no pictures or obsessive love for the “cats” that have been my trademark name. i’m not even sure of the last time i genuinely smothered a cat against its will. not sure i really possess the desire to do so anymore. none of them sleep consistently with me, and i have a HEATER BLANKET. 

i am contemplating a name change for all of my blogs and other social media..things. since i am completely and unequivocally enamored with my pitbull, i feel that he has earned his rightful place in my name. 

NAMES THAT MAY OR MAY NOT WORK

1.) thisbitchandherdog – kinda boring, but the people that support the change have spewed it so here you go.

2.) thisbitchanderpit – this is my personal favourite, so obviously it wins. but i find myself asking myself “this bitch and what pit? pit of: despair, wild geese, vodka, etc.” i’m not sure it works. or that i should even stoop to a name change because people are stupid and want their ideas to be synonymous with my own. 

i put it to a vote. someone fucking respond. 

blocks: writer’s, cheese, traffic

that was possibly the most cohesive thought i will muster all day.

it feels like all day, but really it’s been probably an hour that i’ve been mindlessly staring off into vapor space and quietly muttering things to myself. sure, we all do it right? tell me i’m right or i will quite literally lose my shit right here in the office. i suppose bat shit crazy is an ok thing to be when you’re a woman who has failed at every one of life’s outlets: career, school (being that i should have grabbed the man by the balls and gotten a degree in biology. fuck) love, making anything of yourself that could possibly be described as admirable. 

ok. dark place today, because of a man.

for pete’s sake.

but it is cloudy.

adding to the darkness.

i don’t know who pete is, but for his sake can we take it down a notch and find a happy place for stephanie to reside in? just for a little while i would like to not feel a rather strong urge to either jump off a cliff or simply hope that god strikes me down with smite. 

smite me.

almighty

smiter

please help.

as i sit here drinking a purse temperature redbull, i am getting increasingly high strung. maybe the caffeine surge will make me happy. being tired and depressed really don’t go hand in hand unless you’re a heroin addict. i suppose. i know nothing about heroin. you know you can get clean needles and drugs in europe? perhaps i should leave home and go be a street walker in switzerland? it might work out, i could find a rich lesbian who finds my wide and hopeful eyes to be charming. or maybe i’ll get murdered for my shoes.

who knows.  

what i need right now is a slim jim and 30 cigarettes. a 5th of scotch. a gun. a safe place to hide.

ya that’s it. this one’s for all the ladies out there who are bitches. this is where it takes you. hate to say i told you so but i am a bitch. one you should steadily run away from. youuuuuu are too niceeee for me. 

team stephanie now has one point, but it’s a bitter point because she will now die alone with her many cats. 

something that DOESN’T suck

Image

OH WHATTTTTTTT

BOO YA

SHAKALAKA SHAKALAKA

SHAKAKAN

excuse me while i come down from my “you like me, you really like me!!” moment and deflate my ego. NAH forget that.

my measly blog has struck the fancy of a certain awesome blogger >>>>>((http://kateginnivan.com/2013/02/18/so-now-im-a-leibster-award-winner/))<<<<< and she has bequeathed me with a token of awesomeness.

yes, i love a da writing (spoken in true jamaicamon form) and it pleases me so to see that it shows through my masterpieces.

ok, works.

ok, pieces.

ok, it’s a freaking blog and half the time i don’t even check to see if my grammar is proper.

SHOUT OUT TO DICK NATE WHO ALWAYS HAS SOMETHING OF A DICKLIKE NATURE TO SAY

love you bro.

ahhhhh, i shall stop babbling and answer the questions given to me so i can go study for my state board exam. which is tomorrow. i started vaguely studying yesterday. WISH ME LUCK YOU BASTARDS

first things: 11 facts about the crazy cat lady behind this blog

  • 6 cats. 2 dogs. not enough fur to make me happy
  • there is always cat puke somewhere in my room or within a 5 foot radius of wherever i am in the house
  • enough about cats. i have the greatest pitbull in the world.
  • ballet. sometimes i love it, mostly i hate it. but i still do it.
  • sometimes, i don’t stop eating because whatever is in my mouth is way too yummy to squander
  • hi, my name is stephanie, and i’m a wine o holic
  • pretty sure my boyfriend reads NONE of this
  • damn proud of my 1480 SAT score from 2009. ya ya, it’s in the past. is the scoring different now? cause when i took it, that was an awesome score.
  • sidetracked. all. the. time.
  • not afraid to scratch my boobs or pick a wedgie in the sober daytime
  • over thinking what this last tid bit should be. that’s it. i over think. every ting

1)       Who or what has most influenced your writing?

* the definitely not serious and borderline offensive style: louise rennison

* the actual compilations that you will probably never see because they’re a part of my       soul: ellen hopkins and libba bray

2)       What is your favourite memory?

* oregon as a kid

3)       If you were stranded on a deserted island, what is the one book you would want with you?

* any one of the gemma doyle trilogy books. you may desert me on an island and throw any of those along with me, and i’ll be happy.

4)       Do you have a writing routine?

* absolutely not

5)       What was the last song you turned up loud and sang along with?

* lord have mercy…….short dick man. really! it’s funny

6)       Of what are you most proud?

* my puppy. it’s like i gave birth to this awesome pseudo child but it’s not human, thank god.

7)       Which of your blog posts is your best and why?

* 100 things that suck part one and two. because they’re all true and anyone who reads it probably thinks “dammit, i fucking hate when that happens”

8)       What is your favourite quote?

* as far as cages go, it is a gilded one. but i shall not live well in it, or any cage -libba bray

9)       Where is “home” for you (either literally or figuratively)?

* literally, the desert and it sucks. figuratively, next to my boyfriend’s hairy chest and low rumble of a snore, slightly sweaty from being trapped under his one arm and leg.

10)   Tea or coffee?

* like that’s even a question. TEA

11)   Finish this sentence: Tomorrow, I really want…

* to pass state board and get my license. then celebrate with cocktails and a spa day

P.S. i will go on to nominate those 11 fabulous bloggers when i have the time to search and decide. you won’t be forgotten!

HEEEEEEEYYYYYYAAAAAAA they ahhhhh:

1.)http://moviewriternyu.wordpress.com/

2.)http://titillatingthoughts.wordpress.com/

3.)http://fashionforlunch.wordpress.com/

4.)http://mooselicker.wordpress.com/

5.)http://theevolutionofeloquence.wordpress.com/

6.)http://thecitizensoffashion.com/

7.)http://20somethingfemalelogic.wordpress.com/

8.)http://jsethphotography.wordpress.com/

9.)http://lipstickandstilletos.wordpress.com/

10.)http://peasandcougars.com/

11.)http://badlandsbadley.wordpress.com/

and heeeeeeeyyyyyyaaaaaa ahhhhhhhhh yo questions. don’t expect them to be relative to anything serious or involving literature:
1.) what do you bring with you when you know you’re about to spend some quality time in your poo haven?
2.) what are your views on hairless cats?
3.) do you really work out and try to eat right, or are you just damn lucky to be naturally in decent shape?
4.) how many hours into the day until your feet smell?
5.) how many of you will take a celebratory shot for this bitch right here who is licensed and employed within 3 days of passing her test?
6.) dis for mah gentleman readers: would you proudly take a frou frou shot/drink and like it?
7.) what length would you go to to punch nicki minaj in the face?
8.) do guys really mean it when they say your 2 day old hair and unshaven legs don’t bother them?
9.) what’s your favourite jenna marbles video? (if you haven’t seen any, you’re dead to me and should be taken off this list)
10.) would you believe me if i told you that i’ve been published? cause you should
11.) have you ever been directly peed/puked on by any or one of your own pets?
PS: you are to write a blog about this and: make 11 facts about yourself that can potentially make people giggle, and answer my fucking brilliantly worded questions that are in no way boring. pretty much an acceptance speech for an inanimate award. you should also mention me as well because i have been nice to you. not that this is a stipulation of my ego, but it’s actually a rule. a cyberspace rule that may or may not be followed, depending on how much of a douche you are 😀