having to shave your legs

my boyfriend knows what’s up. we grow hair too! and we’re not afraid to sport it after we’ve allowed you to see us without makeup for over a year. this is not pretty, and you say you still love us; but we have mirrors. speaking of mirrors, why don’t i look the same in all of them? the same goes for you too, light. i can’t just see men after sunset and carry around a burning candle. people might start getting the wrong idea about me. like maybe i’m on my way to a smartcar pileup memorial, or perhaps i’m conducting an ongoing seance in which i try to conjure up the spirits of freddie mercury and billy mays. or i could just carry it around in the hopes that everyone will think i’m weird and leave me alone. it’s a simple life when no one wants to talk to you.

asians and car buying. what’s up with that??

disclaimer: i legitimately think i may have healing powers in my left hand. i don’t know how far that extends, perhaps up to my shoulder? where does this power dwell and why is it only on one side? you see, i’m already starting to sense that you’re thinking of other things to do instead of read my blog. maybe you should go write one yourself and see if you can be as hilarious as i am. i wish you luck, but i sincerely doubt you’re capable. anyway, ever since i was a child, my left hand seemed to ease any pain i had; mostly it helped with stomach aches. i shit you not, i could feel a rumbly in my tumbly and the minute i placed my left hand over the growling area, the relief was instant. who knows. and now i have a healing symbol tattooed on my left wrist, so maybe this power has been unleashed to the rest of me. i doubt it. i never tried using it on other people, mostly because they would think that i’d gone off the derp end, but also because i wasn’t sure if it would work. i’m gonna have to google this and find out how to harness my tiny gift. if i even have one. maybe it worked one time and now my brain refuses to believe that it’s anything less than crazy awesome. 

my lover (this is a woman, but we’re actually not single and madly in love) brought me a trader joes sack full of books. i’m in heaven.

i don’t feel like typing anymore and i would rather get back to my book instead of entertaining you internet noobs who have nothing better to do than follow my shit and wish that god gifted you with such eloquence and genuine wit.

i’ll remember the little people when i become the next jenna marbles. 

i said good day. 

 

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stupid people

tell me you don’t think i’m a thousand percent right on this one.

how many of you have ever wanted to tear open someone’s skull and shove webster’s dictionary along with a few key literary marvels in there? or simply strike your own dome on the nearest hard surface until you forget the fact that you were so annoyed by the simplicity of others?

every day. every fucking day. 

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this is me. also a shout out to english majour slash metal connoisseur brian for carrying on shakespearean conversations with me…..without ever slipping up on the grammar. lest i have to cut out your tongue and use it as a bookmark. 

have you ever taken notice to the fact that the books with the absolute shittiest cover art are the ones with the most epic story lines? you’re slightly embarrassed to hold the book at full mast when in public. sookie stackhouse anyone? come on, that has got to be the most juvenile excuse for cover art that i have ever seen in my 22 years of life. i’ve seen adolescent books with better imagery. by the way, the drawings are so heinous that it makes you wonder how the “artist” in question even got a job in the first place. the fuck kind of universe are we living in? i’ll tell you: one where jamba juice is a meal, where small dogs take up residence in two thousand dollar purses, where nipple rings on guys are sexy, where selena gomez is starring in an action film and the other main character refuses to kill her to save his wife. WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK. 

i obviously missed a key memo here that read: “you don’t actually need to be intelligent and eat real food. this is all fake.”

i need a redbull STAT minions. this watered down excuse for a cup of coffee only made me have to pee. 

must eat more cheez its.

have coffee tummy.

will travel, but not long distances without cigarettes and candy.

 

 

something that DOESN’T suck

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OH WHATTTTTTTT

BOO YA

SHAKALAKA SHAKALAKA

SHAKAKAN

excuse me while i come down from my “you like me, you really like me!!” moment and deflate my ego. NAH forget that.

my measly blog has struck the fancy of a certain awesome blogger >>>>>((http://kateginnivan.com/2013/02/18/so-now-im-a-leibster-award-winner/))<<<<< and she has bequeathed me with a token of awesomeness.

yes, i love a da writing (spoken in true jamaicamon form) and it pleases me so to see that it shows through my masterpieces.

ok, works.

ok, pieces.

ok, it’s a freaking blog and half the time i don’t even check to see if my grammar is proper.

SHOUT OUT TO DICK NATE WHO ALWAYS HAS SOMETHING OF A DICKLIKE NATURE TO SAY

love you bro.

ahhhhh, i shall stop babbling and answer the questions given to me so i can go study for my state board exam. which is tomorrow. i started vaguely studying yesterday. WISH ME LUCK YOU BASTARDS

first things: 11 facts about the crazy cat lady behind this blog

  • 6 cats. 2 dogs. not enough fur to make me happy
  • there is always cat puke somewhere in my room or within a 5 foot radius of wherever i am in the house
  • enough about cats. i have the greatest pitbull in the world.
  • ballet. sometimes i love it, mostly i hate it. but i still do it.
  • sometimes, i don’t stop eating because whatever is in my mouth is way too yummy to squander
  • hi, my name is stephanie, and i’m a wine o holic
  • pretty sure my boyfriend reads NONE of this
  • damn proud of my 1480 SAT score from 2009. ya ya, it’s in the past. is the scoring different now? cause when i took it, that was an awesome score.
  • sidetracked. all. the. time.
  • not afraid to scratch my boobs or pick a wedgie in the sober daytime
  • over thinking what this last tid bit should be. that’s it. i over think. every ting

1)       Who or what has most influenced your writing?

* the definitely not serious and borderline offensive style: louise rennison

* the actual compilations that you will probably never see because they’re a part of my       soul: ellen hopkins and libba bray

2)       What is your favourite memory?

* oregon as a kid

3)       If you were stranded on a deserted island, what is the one book you would want with you?

* any one of the gemma doyle trilogy books. you may desert me on an island and throw any of those along with me, and i’ll be happy.

4)       Do you have a writing routine?

* absolutely not

5)       What was the last song you turned up loud and sang along with?

* lord have mercy…….short dick man. really! it’s funny

6)       Of what are you most proud?

* my puppy. it’s like i gave birth to this awesome pseudo child but it’s not human, thank god.

7)       Which of your blog posts is your best and why?

* 100 things that suck part one and two. because they’re all true and anyone who reads it probably thinks “dammit, i fucking hate when that happens”

8)       What is your favourite quote?

* as far as cages go, it is a gilded one. but i shall not live well in it, or any cage -libba bray

9)       Where is “home” for you (either literally or figuratively)?

* literally, the desert and it sucks. figuratively, next to my boyfriend’s hairy chest and low rumble of a snore, slightly sweaty from being trapped under his one arm and leg.

10)   Tea or coffee?

* like that’s even a question. TEA

11)   Finish this sentence: Tomorrow, I really want…

* to pass state board and get my license. then celebrate with cocktails and a spa day

P.S. i will go on to nominate those 11 fabulous bloggers when i have the time to search and decide. you won’t be forgotten!

HEEEEEEEYYYYYYAAAAAAA they ahhhhh:

1.)http://moviewriternyu.wordpress.com/

2.)http://titillatingthoughts.wordpress.com/

3.)http://fashionforlunch.wordpress.com/

4.)http://mooselicker.wordpress.com/

5.)http://theevolutionofeloquence.wordpress.com/

6.)http://thecitizensoffashion.com/

7.)http://20somethingfemalelogic.wordpress.com/

8.)http://jsethphotography.wordpress.com/

9.)http://lipstickandstilletos.wordpress.com/

10.)http://peasandcougars.com/

11.)http://badlandsbadley.wordpress.com/

and heeeeeeeyyyyyyaaaaaa ahhhhhhhhh yo questions. don’t expect them to be relative to anything serious or involving literature:
1.) what do you bring with you when you know you’re about to spend some quality time in your poo haven?
2.) what are your views on hairless cats?
3.) do you really work out and try to eat right, or are you just damn lucky to be naturally in decent shape?
4.) how many hours into the day until your feet smell?
5.) how many of you will take a celebratory shot for this bitch right here who is licensed and employed within 3 days of passing her test?
6.) dis for mah gentleman readers: would you proudly take a frou frou shot/drink and like it?
7.) what length would you go to to punch nicki minaj in the face?
8.) do guys really mean it when they say your 2 day old hair and unshaven legs don’t bother them?
9.) what’s your favourite jenna marbles video? (if you haven’t seen any, you’re dead to me and should be taken off this list)
10.) would you believe me if i told you that i’ve been published? cause you should
11.) have you ever been directly peed/puked on by any or one of your own pets?
PS: you are to write a blog about this and: make 11 facts about yourself that can potentially make people giggle, and answer my fucking brilliantly worded questions that are in no way boring. pretty much an acceptance speech for an inanimate award. you should also mention me as well because i have been nice to you. not that this is a stipulation of my ego, but it’s actually a rule. a cyberspace rule that may or may not be followed, depending on how much of a douche you are 😀