not having a working computer to blog on

guys i know why i haven’t been on here now. it’s because my mom played too many facebook games while she should have been cleaning (instead of bitching about how much cleaning there is to do in a house that she insisted my father move us into)((elaborate, i know, but you didn’t come here to read anything non elaborate)) and done got herself a virus and now that piece of shit pc can barely muster up enough courage to load the main screen. SO, seeing as iphones are fucking weak sucks when it comes to typing anything out or applying online for a job that will get you nowhere in life except stuck in a break room standing around a water dispenser type thing, i have not blogged. these sentences are fantastically long, i hope you’re keeping up. otherwise i might have to publicly shame you for being a moron. tumblr: making viral examples of idiots everywhere, for all time.

giving “how to draw on your eyebrows” lessons via text message is a hard fucking task to accomplish. i couldn’t even tell you the synopsis of a book without giving unnecessary details and/or spoiling the ending completely. how do you people (friends) expect me to teach you how to get marvelous fucking eyebrows like mine over the phone? picture references, come on. i have like 80 pictures solely dedicated to my rows. i swear to you, that is the only hashtag i ever use aside from “pooter” (my awesome pitbull).

i couldn’t get away from the heater this morning, now i’m freezing my fucking nads off.

i suppose there needs to be some sort of topic. who wants a topic? anyone? no? ok.

thinking about lighting the “summer rain” scented candle just to keep warm. not that it will help, but seeing fire makes you innately warmer, right? i put summer rain in quotations because the candle in question here may in fact smell like “spring rain” or “winter rain” or “that not so seasonal part of the year where it’s perfect all day then your sprinklers freeze over and now you have to call your dad or a plumber or whoever the fuck fixes sprinklers rain.”

i’ve got it. i should start a tangent list. like the hate list, but instead of limiting myself to a few key words, i should just blow the fuck up. i love myself sometimes, i come up with the best most negative things ever. as usual, i will take requests, and as usual NONE OF YOU WILL MOVE SOME ASS AND FUCKING SUGGEST SOMETHING. therefore, i shall prepare.

i’ll most likely be typing this out today since i have a working computer in front of me thank you JESUS. look forward to it, sniff the screen when it’s posted, bask in the glory of the tangent.

if i don’t post it because i forgot or got sucked into tumblr, be mad. it’s a perfectly natural emotion and cheeseburgers are good for you. smoke a cigarette to calm you down, because yoga is stupid. guys i hate this computer, it’s doing this fun thing where if i click to add a word or what have you, it just highlights the area and when i try to type in something new it just starts deleting letters from the following word. what the fuck is your fucking problem you fucking robot from hell. So there is a sentence that states “i have 80 pictures solely dedicated to my rows when REALLY what i was trying to fucking say was that “i have 80 pictures solely dedicated to my HASHTAG EYEBROWS.” but nevermind, i won’t have the sentence worded the way my little heart desired for fucks sake. have it your way you outdated home office computer.

i have another redbull. byeeeeeeee



sorry, but family does suck. at least mine does. that’s why i’m glad i have you people: my fake family.





if anyone i know immediately due to blood relation ever saw what i dare to splay out on my blog, they would have a shit fit and try to perform the last exorcism of the child that went horrifically wrong. 

i just listened to my dad and aunt talk over each other for an hour on a family topic that i will never speak of simply because i’ve tried giving everyone “the shit” as i like to call it. no one listens to my wisdom. i am 22. but really i’ve been in narnia for 38 years and am past the point of wisdom, my exterior just fails to reflect that. it’s cool though cause i’m still young and sexy. 

speaking of sexy. i’m going to a wedding in june. black dress that looks like a classy version of a naughty lawyer with thigh high garter stockings. also black. the goal here, ladies and guys who suck and can’t ever do anything right, is to out do the bride. and by that time my sleeve will be completed.

i win so hard.

ANYWAYYYYYYY so yet again i’ve been nominated by this sweet little lady **** for the wordpress family award. sorry girl, but my heart stopped beating a while back so my post was far from sentimental. satan welcomes me with open arms and a smile. 

of course, there are cyberspace rules that i could care less if you follow. these are super boring and have no questionnaire attached so i lost all interest entirely. but since my spirits are still high, i have decided to add a bonus section. because fuck tha po-lice, a bitch does what she wants. my job is to make you smile with my crude and irreverent humour. 


  1. Display the logo on your blog
  2. Link back to the person who nominated you
  3. Nominate up to 10 others you see as having an impact on your WordPress experience and family
  4. Let WordPress family members know you have bestowed the award upon them.                     


     1. find the tiniest object within reaching distance and balance it on your pinky toe. report back to no one when you’ve defeated the task.

      2. go to youtube and search ghost in the stalls. you’ll thank me.

      3. the next time you step outside, take a deep breath. inhale all that smoggy goodness and thank buddha for not turning you into a desert mouse.

       4. find a desert mouse and feed it cheez its. this has been proven to give you the best karma.

        5. hug yourself sincerely in front of a medium sized crowd and tell them it’s from me.

now that you’ve sat through all that hoo ha, here are my choices.


you thought i was going to have a whole list didn’t you? just goes to show you that i love these bloggers and not you. try harder. 

knowing your next tattoo will hurt worse





yes, ladies and gentlemen, i have started my sleeve. and a shout out to mike’s moonshine, you made my night pretty freakin excellent. of course, i knew it was going to hurt and i’d be under the stab of tiny vibrating needle for a few hours.

i was wrong.

one hour, zero pain, loads of therapeutic ink.

shading will SUCK.




i have no wordiness today. this might be due to the moonshine and beer. 




when your socks come off with your pants

EL-James-for-webto keep in the spirit of constant negativity, my blogs will be titled with a phrase of things relating to things that suck. let’s face it, too many things suck rather than not. and i’m also too scatterbrained to stick with a title topic.

i got home 10 minutes before my father got up for work. bad llama

getting increasingly more disinterested with the 50 shades of grey series. hey there e.l. james, i didn’t buy your racy and, let’s face it, detailed look into how you live your life to read about how she cries ALL the time after sex because she just loves him so much. this bitch. i do believe the topic on the spine reads “erotic romance.” crying during and after sex, detailed food scenes, too many stupid fights to fathom, ana saying the phrases: holy cow, holy fuck, oh my, holy shit on EVERY PAGE, them discussing (and crying) about how they can’t ever lose each other in every chapter, oh my godddddddddd, NOT AT ALL EROTIC. and a sex scene lasts like a page and half. come on. the first book was great because we were all led to think that this would be a 3 book series on how to have a dominant and submissive relationship. wrong, so so wrong.

quickbooks will NOT stop freezing and shutting down today. wtf mac, you’re supposed to be the alpha computer that doesn’t get viruses and do all the annoying shit that a pc does. guess what apple, i’d rather stick with windows 98 thank you.

it needs to be tomorrow so i can stuff my face with buffalo wild wings and drink lots of raspberry shock top. i really hate it when both teams suck and you can’t get into the game because you wish both teams would magically loose like a reverse hunger games. GO PATRIOTS

currently regretting leaving the home made tamale in my fridge.

mo money? less problems. dumbasses