warm cheese

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you’re too kind.

be jealous, i won another virtual award and you get to read about it. again. 

you know i kinda like you, don’t go getting all butthurt on me. i’ve had enough of that today. that’s NOT a personal reference.

no time for a smooth transition into my acceptance speech (cause…..i have one).

apparently, i’m versatile. i would call it bitchy and perpetually irritated, but who’s judging?

someone is..

look behind you. look around your general vicinity. they’re judging youuuu 

maybe not your lameass personal blog, but most likely your choice of apparel and scent. possibly your lipstick that doesn’t match your blush too.  moving on. 

writeinthewrongway.wordpress.com nominated me, cause she’s the tits pasties. i told her she was just the tits, now i wish i would have added the pasties. anyway. by the way, fucking LOVE her name. if you don’t think that’s fucking clever, then shoo yo ass on outta here, cause i don’t need that kind of negativity in my life. how do you tag people?

THERE ARE RULES 

1. Display the Award Certificate on your blog. 

really?

2. Announce your win with a post and thank the blogger who nominated you.

no.

3. Present 15 deserving bloggers with the award. 

as my generous predecessor did, i think i’ll do 5. there are not 15 blogs on here that consistently (or ever) make me laugh more than my own. judge me.

 

4. Link your nominees in the post and let them know about their nomination with a comment. 

there’s got to be an easier way to do this. so much copying and pasting. sidenote: the order you appear in has nothing to do with anything. so take it. 

&& http://theverybesttop10.com

– who doesn’t want to see a whale house and irritated cats?

&& http://knockedoverbyafeather.wordpress.com

– i feel like we could talk about bowel movements, wine, and our various mental illnesses for the rest of time. 

&& http://moviewriternyu.wordpress.com

– this dude. nuff said. he’s secretly my number one pick. 

&& http://20somethingfemalelogic.wordpress.com

– this is just a ploy to get their attention. START FUCKING BLOGGING AGAIN 

&& http://london-survival.com

– i just found you. prepare for me to stalk you silently. 

5. Post 7 interesting things about yourself. 

if by interesting, you mean crude and slightly inappropriate, i am way ahead of you. 

ONE MOTHAFUCKA: i’ve recently been diagnosed (self) with allergies. when the fuck did i get allerigies?

TWO MOTHAFUCKA: i’m contemplating not letting my nominees know. if they love me like i love them, they’ll see it and get to be the tits whatever. 

THREE MOTHAFUCKA: i don’t have a care to make myself seem more interesting to you. 

FOUR MOTHAFUCKA: the offensive things i say are special made for whoever is reading it. so ya. 

FIVE MOTHAFUCKA: pretty sure my coccyx is out of whack. the part of my spine that’s basically what you would call in my ass, it hurts constantly.

SIX MOTHAFUCKA: my all white catholic high school dance team won the hip hop round in downey. for those of you not familiar with california, that’s the fuckin hood. 

SEVEN MOTHAFUCKA: i seriously pride myself on being an asshole. 

stupid people

tell me you don’t think i’m a thousand percent right on this one.

how many of you have ever wanted to tear open someone’s skull and shove webster’s dictionary along with a few key literary marvels in there? or simply strike your own dome on the nearest hard surface until you forget the fact that you were so annoyed by the simplicity of others?

every day. every fucking day. 

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this is me. also a shout out to english majour slash metal connoisseur brian for carrying on shakespearean conversations with me…..without ever slipping up on the grammar. lest i have to cut out your tongue and use it as a bookmark. 

have you ever taken notice to the fact that the books with the absolute shittiest cover art are the ones with the most epic story lines? you’re slightly embarrassed to hold the book at full mast when in public. sookie stackhouse anyone? come on, that has got to be the most juvenile excuse for cover art that i have ever seen in my 22 years of life. i’ve seen adolescent books with better imagery. by the way, the drawings are so heinous that it makes you wonder how the “artist” in question even got a job in the first place. the fuck kind of universe are we living in? i’ll tell you: one where jamba juice is a meal, where small dogs take up residence in two thousand dollar purses, where nipple rings on guys are sexy, where selena gomez is starring in an action film and the other main character refuses to kill her to save his wife. WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK. 

i obviously missed a key memo here that read: “you don’t actually need to be intelligent and eat real food. this is all fake.”

i need a redbull STAT minions. this watered down excuse for a cup of coffee only made me have to pee. 

must eat more cheez its.

have coffee tummy.

will travel, but not long distances without cigarettes and candy.