having to hold in a fart around a date

am i right? i mean, come on. i’ve had guys fart in front of me within a week of knowing each other.

i dated someone for FOUR YEARS and never once did i fail to unclench my cheeks and let loose with wind. mind you, i made excuses to go into another room where i knew they wouldn’t be for a while so i could mull around and turn on the crop duster. side note, nothing brightens my day more than when my dear sweet, deaf in one ear when she says “coloured people” grandmother gets up to scoot down the hall, and she farts the whole length. can she not feel it, or does she just not give a fuck in her old age? man i can’t wait to be a senior citizen, that means i can fart whenever the moment strikes me. since i won’t be attractive (physically or emotionally: i suspect my general malice towards the human race will only fester and increase with the years) i won’t have to worry about giving anyone the impression that i’m still a lady.

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have you ever carried on an entire conversation with just the rage faces? i’ll have you know it’s quite stimulating to whatever part of the brain controls the funny shit. that part of my brain is constantly in overdrive. there must be some scientifical thing where the part that’s supposed to give a shit about how other people are feeling and generally be sympathetic to the masses has actually given all it’s energy to the part that makes me love whiskey, cigarettes, and talking shit about anyone i see with a high bun and leggings for pants.

ladies, please stop it. you look absolutely ridiculous.

asinine.

love that word.

dear minions, i love you so and i wish to share that i am feeling much more emotionally stable. i thank you for reading my depressing, and let’s face it, nowhere near funny blogs for the past i don’t knowwwwwww

i really don’t know how long it’s been and how many entries righteously sucked with non funniness. but there you have it.

p.s. i just went through this entry as a sort of proof reading adventure, and i found one sentence so badly worded that i laughed heartily at my own misfortune. i decided to keep the sentence and see who actually catches on to my folly.

i quote: “i dated someone for FOUR YEARS and never once did i fail to unclench my cheeks and let loose with wind.”

ladies and gentleman, this sentence would quite literally imply that i farted in front of him. so stupid. but it’s the merriment that counts here. enjoy your day, and imagine me farting like a man.