dating in 2018

I’m already over it. Haul me off to an island somewhere where I can drink margaritas and read Charlaine Harris novels for the rest of my life without being disturbed by errant FUCKWADS. I refuse to use the term “fuckboy” because it’s been trademarked by a generation that I simply loathe. There are a vast amount of terms when it comes to labeling a shitty man, but here’s the thing: they’re all shitty. Now, before you get on your friendzoned high horse and say “not all men” take a second and shut the fuck up because you’re part of the problem in the first place. Every man has a collective group of shitty qualities that he’s just “too dumb” to come to terms with. Meanwhile, in lady land, we’re plucking eyelashes so both eyes are symmetrical.

So, because I’m feeling angry (who here is shocked? anyone? moving on.) here’s a list of shitty things that have happened since I started dating again.

1.) pretty boys

2.) pretty boys who pretend that they’re confident, but shave their nipples and all subsequent body hair

3.) men without beards

4.) guys who conveniently stop contacting you after you’ve slept with them

5.) that same guy also plays dungeons and dragons

6.) feeling a tad bit lacking in the self confidence department because of that rejection

7.) missing the sex you had with that person

8.) having to resist booty calling that person because the current person you’re “sleeping with” is suddenly unavailable

9.) realizing you’ve pigeonholed yourself into dating unavailable men

10.) doing absolutely nothing to stop yourself

11.) because he’s so handsome and laughs at all my jokes. anyway

12.) having to consult your friends at all hours because you’ve never been single for more than a month

13.) realizing that you actually have to be patient if you’re gonna land someone decent

14.) failing miserably

15.) trying to do damage control on what you said when you were drunk and hopeful

16.) just ignoring the situation at all costs

17.) being stuck in casual conversation but not being able to actually see the person

18.) knowing you could booty call current person, but being too chicken shit to do it

19.) also, knowing you’ll probably do it, but at an extremely inconvenient time

20.) not caring

21.) having to wear makeup again

22.) and shave

23.) everything

24.) showering more frequently even though you’ve just dyed your hair red

25.) the self realization that my self care hasn’t exactly been up to par

26.) buying lingerie, then not being able to use it

27.) wanting to throw it out in spite of that person you bought it for

28.) knowing you’ll have immediate contact with that person soon after you do it

29.) knowing your standards and self worth, but completely ignoring them because biceps

30.) fuck

 

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having to hold in a fart around a date

am i right? i mean, come on. i’ve had guys fart in front of me within a week of knowing each other.

i dated someone for FOUR YEARS and never once did i fail to unclench my cheeks and let loose with wind. mind you, i made excuses to go into another room where i knew they wouldn’t be for a while so i could mull around and turn on the crop duster. side note, nothing brightens my day more than when my dear sweet, deaf in one ear when she says “coloured people” grandmother gets up to scoot down the hall, and she farts the whole length. can she not feel it, or does she just not give a fuck in her old age? man i can’t wait to be a senior citizen, that means i can fart whenever the moment strikes me. since i won’t be attractive (physically or emotionally: i suspect my general malice towards the human race will only fester and increase with the years) i won’t have to worry about giving anyone the impression that i’m still a lady.

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have you ever carried on an entire conversation with just the rage faces? i’ll have you know it’s quite stimulating to whatever part of the brain controls the funny shit. that part of my brain is constantly in overdrive. there must be some scientifical thing where the part that’s supposed to give a shit about how other people are feeling and generally be sympathetic to the masses has actually given all it’s energy to the part that makes me love whiskey, cigarettes, and talking shit about anyone i see with a high bun and leggings for pants.

ladies, please stop it. you look absolutely ridiculous.

asinine.

love that word.

dear minions, i love you so and i wish to share that i am feeling much more emotionally stable. i thank you for reading my depressing, and let’s face it, nowhere near funny blogs for the past i don’t knowwwwwww

i really don’t know how long it’s been and how many entries righteously sucked with non funniness. but there you have it.

p.s. i just went through this entry as a sort of proof reading adventure, and i found one sentence so badly worded that i laughed heartily at my own misfortune. i decided to keep the sentence and see who actually catches on to my folly.

i quote: “i dated someone for FOUR YEARS and never once did i fail to unclench my cheeks and let loose with wind.”

ladies and gentleman, this sentence would quite literally imply that i farted in front of him. so stupid. but it’s the merriment that counts here. enjoy your day, and imagine me farting like a man.