12 HOUR SHIFTS

especially when you’re the only one in your building, which, coincidentally, is my territory. one building, and some of the used car lot is all i get to play with. and let me tell you something about used cars when you’re on a hourly pay plan……FUCK THAT SHIT. joe fuckin dirt over there in east berlin (commission sales people) gets to make 1200 dollars on a single fucking truck while i make 50 dollars. the sense here, my friends, is not being made. at all. but hey, at least i get to pay my bills so praise buddha for that.

i like to think of my building as one giant fish bowl, where customers get to stare at me and NOT buy my vehicles. foreign brands are so up and down in my small hick town. and by that i mean fucking DOWN. you know who wants a tiny two door? hipsters. you know who lives in my hick town? zero hipsters. where i come from, we actually use our hands and brains to do manual labour. we don’t drink espresso or eat tofu. we (some of my team) live off of an endless supply of cigarettes and redbull. gas stations are our grocery stores, because who has time to shop for organic food when you work 12 hour days?insert the hispter readers out there saying “no wonder she’s always so bitchy, she isn’t getting the proper nutrients from a locally grown, sustainable, grass fed, gluten free, paraben free, sugar free, msg free, air free, basically made out of nothing food source.” as you might have already noticed from previous rants attacking the city folk, i can’t stand them. i’d rather hang out with the chatty customer who is planning to buy next year sometime than the girl who likes to go to the newest club where there’s barely even breathing room. the fuck kind of time is that? the time when i have to solely place all of my concentration on not spilling my over priced and under alcoholed (not a word, i know, fuck off) drink whilst simultaneously getting molested and also unintentionally molesting other people’s body parts. if a bar has a cover charge, i already know to run in the opposite direction. places like that charge you double what you should be paying and they play shitty music. and the men in there, don’t even get me started. the kind of guy who rents a lamborghini just to have it valet parked for 60 dollars is purely moronic. if i’m renting that shit, you know it’s coming back with bald tires. as it should.

things about the city and it’s inhabitants that evoke sheer hatred from me:

1.) the parking predicament, other wise known as hell

2.) the traffic

3.) the amount of prius’s dominating those infuriating roads

4.) when the lane you’re driving in suddenly ends or turns into one of those lanes where there are cars parked halfway in it

5.) nordoff, because it’s the longest stretch of road where everyone seems to be

6.) crappy apartments for way too much money

7.) better apartments for an impossible amount of money

8.) the restaurants, because 9 dollars is too much for a basic salad

9.) the term basic. i suspect it originated from a city girl

10.) the fact that everyone likes nicki minaj out there. what happened to you people in your youth that made you dumb?

11.) the fact that they all think they’re better than us because they don’t “shame” anyone. you’re so full of shit

12.) trying to order a burger and fries, only to be met with the most complicated menu of your life

13.) the amount of tofu on the menu being greater than the amount of beef

14.) the fact that the streets will eventually turn into different streets

15.) trying to ask a city person for directions. like i know where your whole foods is. stop it

16.) the street names

17.) the clothing stores that look like they are a low key goodwill, but charge 290 dollars for a grandma sweater

18.) when your city friend thinks that that sweater is a “find”

19.) not having an ounce of fun with your city friend anymore because they’ve morphed into this weird version of not even themselves

20.) an apartment full of city girls. enough said

21.) staying in said apartment, and finding out that they snack on what appears to be bird food

22.) the amount of indie films those people watch

23.) the fact that they seem to think it’s ok to stick up for another race/culture and get offended when you say something about it that they don’t agree with. you’re a white girl at starbucks, stop preaching about a group of people you will never relate to.

24.) the person who got offended by that statement

25.) the fact that literally everything, EVERYTHING is offensive to them

26.) the man buns. they’re everywhere

27.) the guy who is wearing an outfit that would cost me an entire months paycheck

28.) or the girl wearing that outfit

29.) or the sexually neutral person wearing that outfit

30.) people who believe in gender neutrality so much that they let their boys wear tutus. he’s gay, or a transvestite. knock it off

31.) the bars. i can’t even start with these.

32.) the guy at the bar who buys you a drink and wants to talk about documentary films and jazz festivals and this great organization he read about on facebook. please be a man and go shovel something.

33.) that guy, who is also not interested in cars. BYE FELICIA

34.) the girl who comes up to you afterwards and tells you how much of a creep that guy is. obviously, this is all she does.

35.) the “secret girl club”

36.) the bartenders. just make me a whiskey sour and stop asking questions.

37.) being an out of town smoker. the looks you get.

38.) the dogs. all tiny and stupid

39.) vegan dog treats. for FUCKS SAKE

40.) uber drivers. either really fucking creepy or kind of ok. or assholes.

41.) being that out of town smoker, being completely shit faced, only to have some girl say “just get a lyft” WHAT IS THAT

I can’t believe this has sat in my draft box (box? idk, place where I obviously write genius content and just fucking forget about) for literal YEARS and i’m just now finding it. how. well, lucky for me, the content was already there and minimal effort was required on my part to actually be funny.

here you go.

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