a coned/half blind cat that wants food before dawn

pretty sure i alerted the danger sense in the derp dogs when i screamed at the cat to kindly “fucking stop” early this morning before the sun was even awake. really, i do feel bad for the little kitty man, but just because you now have one eye and a cone on to keep you from scratching the zombie eye doesn’t mean you get to be an asshole. and the other cat in the house, who is morbidly obese, tries to attack him ( i have not seen any evidence to support this) so i have to keep them separated. also, the other dog, being of small brain and gargantuan body, will not leave me alone. he’s too fucking big. 

right then. i have many pizza rolls and cheesy popcorn to stave off my impending mental breakdown, there’s wine too. and soon to be the best fucking eggflower soup on this earth with jasmine tea. sounds like a winning mix for my already torched stomach lining. must stop drinking. but when someone buys you a bottle of wine called “cookies and cream,” you’re not sober until it’s finished. 

guys, there’s a wine called fancy pants too. the cuter the name, the more of it i tend to drink. this marketing campaign is going to give me cirrhosis. 

here’s the part where my real followers come in. i’m not up for making another suck list yet, since it would mostly consist of all the shitty grown up things in my life right now. it just wouldn’t be funny. SO: ask me anything and i will answer it. there is no personal boundary that you could cross with me, i dare you to try. you can ask as many questions as you want. but don’t ask me stupid things like: who was your first love (it was probably a cat, most likely my pitbull cause that shit’s never going sour), what inspires you to write this blog (please. spare me), what’s your favourite soap so i can buy it and reek of your grace (please don’t find my ip address), and so on. 

 

after effects of four loco and tapatio

two separate occasions, but fitting for the hole in your chest and a melting esophagus motif. 

four loco: watermelon.

god that ass is sweet, but she’s a bitch later when you pound it and now she feels like you’re rushing your time with her. so what i just made a sexual reference to an inanimate object. it wasn’t supposed to sound like that, but it did and now there’s no turning back. i could explain to you people what i was really aiming for, but then my blog would have meaning and direction. and that’s just not cool. we don’t do that here. the exit is to your left should you feel that my lack of cohesiveness will be a nuisance. hey, if anyone is a grammar nazi, it’s me. but when you let this kind of creative energy flow, your commas tend to wander around like a british kid on acid in a forest. the point is that i want you to read it the way it sounds in my head. my head is wonderful place, come visit and enjoy the whiskey. we will bound through the desert and cause some sort of small, yet containable, fire. so the gist of this paragraph was that i drank a four loco too fast and i got heart burn. if you weren’t already thinking that then you’re hopeless as a human and you should read all of my blogs to instill some creativity and eclectic humour in your tiny brain. 

86 followers don’t lie. it’s a small number, but what are you expecting when most of my tags consist of: fuck, shit, poop, etc. it’s a controlled group experiment that i’m conducting to see who’s awesome. 

tapatio: on pizza. 

honey child sister GIRL. a wholeee neww woooooooorrrrrrlllllllddddd something something i’ve neverrr seeeeeeeeeen. *magic carpet ride* no i wasn’t high, it was just that tasty. TRY THAT SHIT. also, tapatio on that weirdly textured teriyaki slim jim jerky really helps its dying cause. i wonder how bad the regular flavour is. i’ll stick to my monster tabasco sticks. i’m hungry and slightly hungover. last night was a little shameful. since my downstairs bathroom is now inhabited by my grandmother, the sink got to taste the after effects of that pizza, a tall lime a rita, vodka soda plus a shot of fireball. sounds like a fantastic combo doesn’t it? it wasn’t. save yourselves. hence the burning cavity that was once my chest. 

signs that you’re still young: sink puke-age around 2 am with little water intake, up at 7 to smoke and go to work; one coffee and redbull later, your stomach is still ok. how.

here i am again, hours later reading over what my brain vomited and feeling vaguely accomplished with the results of my spew time. i’ll let you in on a little secret: my life is shit right now and i don’t mean i’m single and complaining. i mean serious family issues and family business stuff. it ain’t peachy and i’m a tad less spunky these days. ok a lot less. but whatever. i think i’m done now, i’ll try to summon up another hate list next week. 

 

warm cheese

Image

 

you’re too kind.

be jealous, i won another virtual award and you get to read about it. again. 

you know i kinda like you, don’t go getting all butthurt on me. i’ve had enough of that today. that’s NOT a personal reference.

no time for a smooth transition into my acceptance speech (cause…..i have one).

apparently, i’m versatile. i would call it bitchy and perpetually irritated, but who’s judging?

someone is..

look behind you. look around your general vicinity. they’re judging youuuu 

maybe not your lameass personal blog, but most likely your choice of apparel and scent. possibly your lipstick that doesn’t match your blush too.  moving on. 

writeinthewrongway.wordpress.com nominated me, cause she’s the tits pasties. i told her she was just the tits, now i wish i would have added the pasties. anyway. by the way, fucking LOVE her name. if you don’t think that’s fucking clever, then shoo yo ass on outta here, cause i don’t need that kind of negativity in my life. how do you tag people?

THERE ARE RULES 

1. Display the Award Certificate on your blog. 

really?

2. Announce your win with a post and thank the blogger who nominated you.

no.

3. Present 15 deserving bloggers with the award. 

as my generous predecessor did, i think i’ll do 5. there are not 15 blogs on here that consistently (or ever) make me laugh more than my own. judge me.

 

4. Link your nominees in the post and let them know about their nomination with a comment. 

there’s got to be an easier way to do this. so much copying and pasting. sidenote: the order you appear in has nothing to do with anything. so take it. 

&& http://theverybesttop10.com

– who doesn’t want to see a whale house and irritated cats?

&& http://knockedoverbyafeather.wordpress.com

– i feel like we could talk about bowel movements, wine, and our various mental illnesses for the rest of time. 

&& http://moviewriternyu.wordpress.com

– this dude. nuff said. he’s secretly my number one pick. 

&& http://20somethingfemalelogic.wordpress.com

– this is just a ploy to get their attention. START FUCKING BLOGGING AGAIN 

&& http://london-survival.com

– i just found you. prepare for me to stalk you silently. 

5. Post 7 interesting things about yourself. 

if by interesting, you mean crude and slightly inappropriate, i am way ahead of you. 

ONE MOTHAFUCKA: i’ve recently been diagnosed (self) with allergies. when the fuck did i get allerigies?

TWO MOTHAFUCKA: i’m contemplating not letting my nominees know. if they love me like i love them, they’ll see it and get to be the tits whatever. 

THREE MOTHAFUCKA: i don’t have a care to make myself seem more interesting to you. 

FOUR MOTHAFUCKA: the offensive things i say are special made for whoever is reading it. so ya. 

FIVE MOTHAFUCKA: pretty sure my coccyx is out of whack. the part of my spine that’s basically what you would call in my ass, it hurts constantly.

SIX MOTHAFUCKA: my all white catholic high school dance team won the hip hop round in downey. for those of you not familiar with california, that’s the fuckin hood. 

SEVEN MOTHAFUCKA: i seriously pride myself on being an asshole.