i’m just gonna go ahead right now and tell you all how stupid you are (my facebook people) because you don’t read it anyway. and if you do, chances are i don’t give a flying fuck if this upsets you. if jenna marbles can tell people how to suck less, i think i should dabble a bit in doing the same. i have a few key pointers i’d like to spell out real quick before i go into detail
1.) when your status is over 3 lines long, you just need to slow your roll, turn on your filter that lets you know what people couldn’t care less about, then shut the fuck up.
*you really think anyone is reading past line 2 when they figure out that you’re just ranting in the hopes that 30 people will like it and comment on it? pipe the fuck down.
2.) talking about your significant other or an ex EVERY SINGLE DAY is not ok. minimize your gooey hooha output to at the most once a month.
*example: “i thought you loved me but i was wrong, i’ll never let you hurt me again.” and then you put a fucking SMILEY FACE like you’re not crying and eating all the taco bell.
*example: every fucking day or other day, you feel the infernal need to tell us how awesome your man is. p.s. i did that today, but you just go ahead and look at the last time i got all mushy in complete excess.
3.) pretending you’re on the debate team: facebook wasn’t created so you could get on your high horse and act like your completely unsolicited opinion is higher up on the social media food chain than anyone else’s.
*you know nothing about politics or the environment. quit acting like you’re in the situation room and wolf blitzer is mumbling something incoherent about the other side of the argument. you are stupid, and we all sense it.
4.) when you’re soooo sick and miserable, but you have the energy to update us on your snot content and vomitting every fucking hour.
*no one in their right mind is going to bring your disgusting ass soup, so quit asking and using winky faces.
5.) when you’re perfectly healthy and could definitely get the fuck out of the house, and you post stupid shit every half hour
*WE DON’T CARE, I REPEAT, WE DON’T FUCKING CARE
6.) when you’re out and about, checking in at every corner and telling us how much fun you’re having. we get it, you spend your money frivolously
*instead of sitting on your phone all damn day, turn that shit off and enjoy the food you’re eating instead of taking pictures of it and using a filter so it looks brighter
7.) posting shit that’s none of your fucking business. example: rip so and so who lived in my town once, but who i never even fucking saw; some person in my general vicinity is fighting for their life in the hospital, please pray for them, etc.
*cause you’re so admirable, huh?
8.) announcing your deleting sprees and adding something like : if you’re still on here, then you can read this and you’re a swell character.
*come the fuck on. i hope that you delete me because you obviously are the type of person who feels better when they “cleanse” their social outlets. you are an idiot.
9.) when you tell us all that you’re “deleting” your facebook and that we can contact you on your cell phone.
*no shit. and by the way, zuckerberg is a fuckface for only letting us “deactivate” our accounts. like you’re actually doing something? you’re only going to reappear a week later and say “i’m backkkkkk :)” and then i’ll lose my shit because you can’t control yourself
10.) when there’s a major life event or crisis currently going on, and yet you still find the time to tell us everything about your day and how bad it sucked and how your grandpa isn’t doing so well.
*well duh, grandpa is probably over 80 and used to drink and smoke like he lived on the set of mad men. don’t get me wrong, i love my grandpa, but he’s mine and my facebook friends don’t need to know about him. so shut the fuck up for once.
11.) airing dirty laundry: this is my favourite out of all your pointless, stupid activities.
*example: my friend so and so ACTUALLY posted pictures of rude texts from her baby daddy’s girlfriend. you’re joking. you must be joking. and then said something along the lines of how dumb she is (ironic) then lol’ed it off like she didn’t just put the joke on herself.
FUCK. i’m starting to get really angry and my typing would give me an exemplary score on mavis beacon, so i’m gonna stop now before my acrylics get stuck in between the keys. i just might continue with this hate list, there’s just too many things that need to be said.
stop stupid people. help us all. save us.