the sneaking hangover

oh my fucking god. 

when you wake up so damn tired that you’re completely unaware of any symptoms until they start creeping into your hangover peripheral. smoke a few morning cigarettes she said, it will be ok she said. buy the hangover rockstar in the yellow can, a redbull for later when your perk up, and bugles to get your stomach ready for the utter crap you’ll be feeding it later to soak up last night’s shame. take 2 tylenol and a massive poop.

it all started when i watched jenna marbles and she told me there’s a drinking game dedicated to her videos. example: drink every time she says fuck, sings to herself or her dogs, every time you see the turtle backpack, and when you hear the squeaky noise at the beginning of each video. well, i decided to make rules for schooners, which is a local gathering of everyone you graduated with and hate. but we go there anyway, cause you can smoke inside. schooners has it all when it comes to drunken stereotypes. so if you have a bar like this, get ready to get so hammered because my rules never let you put your drink down. i recommend a side of water, cause i didn’t have any. and since i’m not allowed in my boyfriend’s house, i went to the side to dig a hole to vomit in. see what i mean? last night’s shame.

drink every time you see:

1.) fat guys

2.) fat girls trying to be cute

3.) guys with awesome beards

4.) groups of lonely women 

5.) a bromance or a brosome; not excluding brodowns

6.) an older woman pretending she hasn’t hit the 35 mark

7.) the confused look on your waitress’s face

8.) a waitress getting hit on

9.) anyone wearing: volcom, no fear, rvca, obey, the “do work” shirts, etc.

10.) an imminent one night stand

11.) “woooooo!” people

12.) older guys who are all too happy to hit on the fat girls

13.) someone drinking a water

14.) underaged people pretending they’re seasoned smokers

15.) someone whipping out their smartphone to show their friends something that’s funnier when you’re shnackered 

take a shot:

1.) every time someone revs their muscle car or motorcycle excessively

2.) for a hot mess. and i don’t mean the delicious hamburger that jack in the box took away. you see that, you tackle the person eating it and take it for yourself.

3.) when you see a sad third wheel

4.) when 2 people who are blatantly plastered try to fight. i do mean try.

5.) when someone spills

DRUNK. FLOOR DRUNK. 

go now.

 

being a woman

a comprehensive overview of the female anatomy and it’s mission to absolutely destroy and terrorize the female inhabitants of mother earth.

just kidding. scared you didn’t i? 

 

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this is my life and i’ll thank you all to shut the fuck up.

it’s a glorious day when you find more than one beef chip in your chex mix. today is not that day. that day was tuesday. i had 7. let it be known that i am probably the only person on the planet to ever have stumbled upon so many of them in one, 100 calorie, space. 

i’m having a really hard time telling myself to get sunflower seeds and slim jims rather than taco bell. my inner fat child is going through it’s monthly crisis and demands payment. not that my inner honey booboo needs an excuse to never eat anything healthy on top of smoking and drinking too much. that wasn’t a self realization or anything. leave me alone with my soy beef and whiskey. i’m ok with it. at least i do ballet, and that shit’s hard. let me tell you, 2 hours with “miss heather, mistress of toe cramps and thigh burning,” and you’re toast. burnt toast. burnt toast that breaks when you lightly attempt to spread your butter on it. do you feel bad for me yet? one of my shoes is what i would call “broken.” in other words, the string came out and the only thing keeping it on my foot is a single elastic strap across the top of my foot. she has extras; meaning i get to rifle through a giant storage bin of used ballet shoes. with my bare hands. i wonder how long a foot fungus can survive in a sealed container. maybe i don’t want to know. this is what they didn’t cover in black swan.

spoiler alert: SHE DIES. for fucks sake, it’s kinda obvious. at least i thought it was. but all you tree hugging, tofu eating (i really like tofu, actually) downtown los angeles dwelling pieces of yahoo think it’s all ooooooooo and metaphorical and shit. get off your high horse, in your case being a liberal arts degree that will get you nowhere, and eat a cheeseburger. she dies. there’s a large shard of glass that pretty much ripped her shit open and you mean to ask me if she really did kill herself? that’s how i feel after most of my heather sessions. so yes, yes ladies and gentleman, she did. 

but what you really should be asking yourself is if she really banged mila kunis. ps: no one wears thigh high stockings with garters under their jeans. big mistake on the black swan wardrobe team, you lose. 

having to shave your legs

my boyfriend knows what’s up. we grow hair too! and we’re not afraid to sport it after we’ve allowed you to see us without makeup for over a year. this is not pretty, and you say you still love us; but we have mirrors. speaking of mirrors, why don’t i look the same in all of them? the same goes for you too, light. i can’t just see men after sunset and carry around a burning candle. people might start getting the wrong idea about me. like maybe i’m on my way to a smartcar pileup memorial, or perhaps i’m conducting an ongoing seance in which i try to conjure up the spirits of freddie mercury and billy mays. or i could just carry it around in the hopes that everyone will think i’m weird and leave me alone. it’s a simple life when no one wants to talk to you.

asians and car buying. what’s up with that??

disclaimer: i legitimately think i may have healing powers in my left hand. i don’t know how far that extends, perhaps up to my shoulder? where does this power dwell and why is it only on one side? you see, i’m already starting to sense that you’re thinking of other things to do instead of read my blog. maybe you should go write one yourself and see if you can be as hilarious as i am. i wish you luck, but i sincerely doubt you’re capable. anyway, ever since i was a child, my left hand seemed to ease any pain i had; mostly it helped with stomach aches. i shit you not, i could feel a rumbly in my tumbly and the minute i placed my left hand over the growling area, the relief was instant. who knows. and now i have a healing symbol tattooed on my left wrist, so maybe this power has been unleashed to the rest of me. i doubt it. i never tried using it on other people, mostly because they would think that i’d gone off the derp end, but also because i wasn’t sure if it would work. i’m gonna have to google this and find out how to harness my tiny gift. if i even have one. maybe it worked one time and now my brain refuses to believe that it’s anything less than crazy awesome. 

my lover (this is a woman, but we’re actually not single and madly in love) brought me a trader joes sack full of books. i’m in heaven.

i don’t feel like typing anymore and i would rather get back to my book instead of entertaining you internet noobs who have nothing better to do than follow my shit and wish that god gifted you with such eloquence and genuine wit.

i’ll remember the little people when i become the next jenna marbles. 

i said good day. 

 

espresso that doesn’t wake your ass up

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY. COME ON

my full retard ass opened a redbull yesterday after work to have a few sips before i dove into a 24 oz can of 211, and guess what i did next?

drank that beer and left my opened redbull in the fridge overnight.

countdown to me drinking the worst redbull ever starting now. thanks sister sister coffee house, for making the worst cappuccino ever. you have officially ruined my day. BUT there is still hope. i finally found the perfect fringe crop top and headband for hard summer. also a skull ring and, get this, a little baby ring with a bunch of cat faces on it. sold.

shopping anxiety.

must suit up for new (pretty damn sure it’s mine, actually you know what? it’s mine) job since tattoos make you a pariah in any professional industry. excuse the ART that is permanently on display for you uncultured swine. let me just take a little inspiration from the Lword expert on dressing fancy as fuck and still looking sexy, bette porter.

you’d think it wouldn’t be hard to google her and find an awesome picture to describe it, but i just gave the fuck up. pointless. i am very angry right now.

that redbull by the way, is not bad.

this sentence, right here, is taking place hours after the preceding one.

i did a tattoo last night, it was alright.

i have no cohesive thoughts today.

i think i’m done.

that song “she loves me like jesus does”

first things, are you fucking kidding me? she must not ever want to have sex with you then  because i’m pretty sure that jesus love has nothing to do with physical contact and being intimate and all that shit. sure, he created it and made it illegal, but it’s the thought that counts. second, you are so homo. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

anyway. while i was typing up that last bit about nice things, inspiration struck me like a booger striking your windshield. better yet, it struck me like a raven hitting your windshield. that shit breaks. i decided to not only make another suck list, but to make a sister list to the things that don’t suck.

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some days, my own genius makes me wonder why i’m not famous.

1.) old people that hold your hand

2.) old people that play fight with you

3.) old people that cuddle with you

4.) old people that say your tattoo is pretty, then forget and tell you how much they hate it

5.) old people that swear at you

6.) old people that drive too fast

7.) old people who take your shots

8.) kittens that literally claw your face off

9.) puppies that pee on you

10.) kitten bellies that have cat litter stuck to them

11.) puppy bellies that have poop stuck to them

12.) surprised kitty that attacks you

13.) slow wave runners

14.) down comforters at hotels with stains

15.) being stoned and not having nacho cheese

16.) being stoned and paranoid aboutdrug tests, parents, suspicious bosses and authoritative figures, bills/finding a job, people within smelling distance, sight, earshot, etc, what you’re doing with your life, how your accomplishments, if any, look to other people, why you’re even alive and who loves you, also why?

17.) in n out without spread

18.) having to wait for taco bell

19.) having a clean room that you don’t want to be in for fear of messing it up

20.) having a clean car that you don’t want to drive for fear of messing it up

21.) empty trash cans with gum at the bottom

22.) cooperative hair/eyeshadow that wrecks after an hour

23.) mascara that clumps, giving you the ever elusive hooker with a lazy eye problem essence

24.) when things go too smoothly at work all day

25.) when a creepy guy buys you drinks

26.) when a creepy guy buys you drinks and thinks it’s sexy that you saluted him and downed it within a 5 minute period. it’s called alcoholism.

27.) jeans that make your ass look like what all the black guys are talking about, then not being able to get rid of those black guys

28.) flip flops that are thin

29.) flip flops that go with everything and then BREAK 

30.) shoes that you have to tie

31.) feeling low key way more tired when you wake up

32.) when all the ugly dogs at the park flock to you like you’re snow white and they’re all the little ugly woodland creatures

33.) ugly little woodland creatures

34.) when your ipod plays all the bad shit you downloaded

35.) being a smoker and discovering that run was a one time thing; don’t try it again

36.) rain after you just curled your hair

37.) bow chicka wowow in the rain, because your eyes are getting pelted to death with nature’s clear eyes

38.) bed sex on a broken frame

39.) serious tampon commercials

40.) commercials that don’t have flowing nacho cheese in them

41.) serious jenna marbles videos

42.) dailygrace videos that make you realize you would run out of things to do every day on camera after a few years

43.) not knowing which olan rogers video to watch

44.) youtube videos that stop being funny after 30 seconds

45.) good coffee that you don’t even want

46.) strong drinks that make you grow hair on your chest

47.) fufu drinks that don’t get you fucked up

48.) bad days at ballet

49.) new car smell that isn’t in your car

50.) pizza that doesn’t have all the cheese in the world on it

51.) wine that’s been open for more than a night

52.) coconut rum

53.) watered down whiskey

54.) scotchy scotch scotch without ice

55.) when your neck pops on only one side

56.) april, because you’re constantly taking off and putting on that light jacket

57.) being too stoned at a concert

58.) friends who say good morning and pour the champagne for themselves

59.) friends who never offer you the greens

60.) friends who cuddle too much at sleepovers

61.) cinnamon toast crunch when you’re sick and can’t taste it

62.) bad eyebrow days

63.) old razors

64.) people who think they’re sarcastic by saying “not” after everything

65.) fat men in suits

66.) fat men in suits smoking

67.) fat men in suits smoking and drinking

68.) tattoos that hurt so bad you think you might die

69.) people who text back immediately and then stop after the next message

70.) cookie dough that has too much of one ingredient in it

71.) rotten coffe creamer shots

72.) awesome sex that only lasts 2 minutes

73.) freshly painted toes that just don’t fit your mood anymore

74.) lotion that leaves you needing a shower

75.) when you think you look good without makeup

76.) yoga pants that get saggy at the top of of your ass after a few hours

77.) my dog when he farts on me

78.) tinted chapstick that’s a weird colour

79.) people watching at dive bars with friends who don’t like to talk smack about strangers

80.) wasted white girls who try to fight you. it’s like being on a safari

81.) house parties where everyone is happy to be drunk…and naked

82.) drinking games when you lose all of them

83.) oversized drinking games that wind up causing severe damage

84.) candle baths with cats

85.) when your parents leave for wyoming for 2 weeks and your house has security cameras

86.) netflix when it doesn’t work

87.) when you eat healthy all day and cave right about 7 o clock

88.) no traffic on surface streets when you’re lost and want to go slow

89.) surface streets with a shit ton of dead and/or ugly trees

90.) light breezes that are just enough to get your hair stuck in your lipgloss

91.) clean underwear that are stained

92.) eating too much and not smoking afterward

93.) drunk friends who make you pancakes without asking when you’re about to hurl

94.) drunk friends who think they are the perfect hostess

95.) drunk friends who cry

96.) those days when you type fast, only to make every mistake possible

97.) happy hour that only discounts what no one ever drinks

98.) when people play with your hair and give you an afro

99.) the fact that i missed one and don’t feel like finding it

100.) this( http://youtu.be/kfVsfOSbJY0 )

tap water that smells

has anyone else on the planet ever been blissfully ecstatic to take a shower, and the minute you turn on the faucet the water coming out of it smells a little bit like ass and some other undeclared scent? i have. mostly, this occurs in the summer months. i have an inkling that everything just sucks in the hottest season ever. i want my scarves and oversized sweaters back now, if you please. i want hot tea and churros at magic mountain, not 85 gallons of water that make you feel like you’re a walking water bed and food that can’t possibly be enjoyed because they insist on selling pizza and hot wings that are mildly pleasing at outside temperatures. i want to cuddle in the lines and have weird little children who are curious about the non platonic bond between man and woman stare at me awkwardly while i nuzzle my face into the warm stubble of my lover’s neck. not that there’s stubble there (or that stubble could be warm), but i’m trying to paint a picture here so that you can relate. are you relating? are you? is it relatable? 

right. moving on then. 

i’ve decided to make another list. wait for it.

you’re gonna love it (or hate it depending on how much you enjoy my endless ranting) because it’s a list about things that don’t suck!

insert absolute and utter shock here.

don’t worry, this is a one time thing. i’m just gearing up for the next 100 life ruining occurrences.

might as well start; don’t think i’ve gone optimistic, that’s a bit simple for my personality type.

1.) old people that hold hands

2.) old people that still play fight

3.) cuddling old people

4.) old people who say your tattoo is pretty

5.) old people who swear

6.) old people who drive fast

7.) old people taking shots

8.) uh KITTENS

9.) puppies; excluding small, yappy, ankle biting types

10.) kitten bellies

11.) puppy bellies

12.) surprised kitty

13.) wave runners ( http://youtu.be/_RoLdkgjKhs )

14.) down comforters at hotels

15.) anything with nacho cheese when you’re stoned

16.) being able to get stoned and not be paranoid about drug tests, parents, suspicious bosses and authoritative figures, bills/finding a job, people within smelling distance, sight, earshot, etc, what you’re doing with your life, how your accomplishments, if any, look to other people, why you’re even alive and who loves you, also why? 

17.) in n out

18.) taco bell

19.) having a clean room

20.) having a clean car

21.) empty trash cans

22.) cooperative hair and eyeshadow

23.) mascara

24.) when things go smoothly at work all day

25.) guys who buy you drinks

26.) guys who buy you drinks and leave you alone after you salute them and down it within a 5 minute period

27.) jeans that make your ass look like what all the black guys are talking about

28.) flip flops

29.) flip flops that go with everything

30.) shoes you don’t have to tie

31.) feeling low key refreshed when you wake up

32.) having all the dogs at the park flock to you like you’re snow white and they’re all the little woodland creatures

33.) little woodland creatures

34.) when your ipod somehow plays all the good songs you downloaded

35.) being a smoker and discovering you can actually still run

36.) rain

37.) bow chicka wowwow in the rain

38.) bed sex. do not take that shit for granted

39.) funny tampon commercials

40.) commercials with flowing nacho cheese

41.) jenna marbles

42.) grace helbig

43.) olan rogers

44.) youtube videos that never stop being funny

45.) good coffee

46.) strong mixed drinks that taste like fucking candy

47.) fufu drinks that fuck your shit up

48.) good days at ballet

49.) new car smell

50.) pizza that has all the cheese in the world

51.) wine

52.) rum

53.) whiskey

54.) scotchy scotch scotch

55.) when your neck pops and the world is brighter

56.) april. because it’s not too hot and it’s not too cold. all you need is a light jacket

57.) being stoned at a concert

58.) friends who say good morning while they’re pouring the champagne

59.) friends who always offer you the greens

60.) friends who are ok with cuddling during sleepovers

61.) cinnamon toast crunch

62.) good eyebrow days

63.) new razors

64.) sarcastic people

65.) men in suits

66.) men in suits smoking

67.) men in suits smoking and drinking

68.) tattoos that don’t hurt

69.) people who text back immediately

70.) cookie dough

71.) coffee creamer shots; these aren’t alcoholic, i just like the cream

73.) awesome sex, who’s with me

74.) freshly painted toes

75.) lotion that makes you feel like those bitches in the venus commercials

76.) when you look good without makeup

77.) yoga pants

78.) my dog

79.) tinted chapstick. fucking genius

80.) people watching in dive bars

81.) wasted white girls. it’s like being on a safari

82.) house parties where everyone is happy to be drunk

83.) drinking games

84.) oversized drinking games: bucket pong

85.) baths with candles

86.) when your parents leave for wyoming for 2 weeks

87.) netflix

88.) days where you eat healthy

89.) no traffic on surface streets

90.) surface streets with a shit ton of trees 

91.) light breezes

92.) clean underwear

93.) smoking after eating too much

94.) drunk friends who make you pancakes without asking

95.) drunk friends who are the perfect hostess

96.) drunk friends who let you cry

97.) those days when you type fast

98.) happy hour

99.) people who play with your hair

100.) this (http://youtu.be/dTrhIjBH6VE )