and also mine. ye gods.
i’m actually eating pringles (mcdonalds breakfast is over, it’s technically lunch time for us stoners) but i did have the nuts of corn on wednesday. who else says wed-nez-day every time you spell it out? i know i do.
DISCLAIMER: THIS ENTRY WILL BE EXPLICIT IN CONTENT AND IS INTENDED FOR A MATURE AUDIENCE ONLY. READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED IF YOU’RE A VIRGIN OR A COMPLETE PUSSY.
anyway. BLOW JOBS
got your ears pricked up didn’t i? now you’ll actually read all the way through this blog instead of stopping somewhere between “i hate everything” and “no idea where this is going.”
I ACTUALLY HAVE A TOPIC TODAY, ALERT THE MASSES AND DON’T SHAVE YOUR BEARDS.
so a few of us consumers of the spirits (name changes aren’t really necessary but i want to see how far i can stretch this and still have everyone know who they are) jonesy and candle, were discussing the art of having a mound of flesh and cartilage (right?) shoved down your throat and how it makes us feel. don’t ask me how we got onto this, but i’ll have you know that one of them was wearing a short dress whilst sitting on a glass table and decided to take a picture of her side table flattened rear end to send to us all as a token of our dear friendship. i fucking love her. anyway, we all came to a mutual consensus that samantha had it right on sex and the city: they don’t call it a job for nothing. let me just reenact this for you real quick like.
step one: get into a semi comfortable postion and immediately wish you weren’t wearing shorts. no one believes your back up story for rug burn on the knees, ever.
step two: either take off your shirt or trousers, this helps them visualize and also finish faster (sometimes) so your jaw doesn’t permanently stay in that awkward predicament. side note: feel uncomfortable about the way your body looks hunched over and all spread out. confidence level plummets here.
step three: this is optional, depending on how much you like your hair tickling his ball sack or simply giving your split ends a run for their money (in your mouth). tie that shit back with a ponytail. p.s. gentleman, we actually like it when you hold our hair back FOR US. it’s quite endearing. i’ve had one person do this, and the ratio is not winning against my sexual tally.
step four: foreplay. because this is a task you must approach with the absolute will to conquer. and also to not get it in your hair. use your hands, i know you’re shot down already because you’re worried about your love handles and celulite, and staring at him while you try to master what he’s been doing since he was a child is a bit disconcerting. but we try our best.
step five: while you’re mechanically figuring out what makes his feet twitch, let all the spit you can possibly muster pool in your mouth and simultaneously lick your lips (sometimes this isn’t attractive and you wish your hair was in your face, just this once).
step six: prepare your jaw with a few warm up exercises. this should actually come before the puddle forming in your mouth, but i’ve come too far now to copy and paste. so theoretically, this is really step five. stay with me.
step seven: here goes nothing.
step eight: go balls deep. not literally, unless that’s what you’re in to, then god speed to you sister. i know they feel weird in your hand, but this helps shorten the time that you’ve reserved for lockjaw.
step nine: make strange movements with your tongue and hand. because focusing on not scraping him with your teeth and not squeezing his jewels too tightly wasn’t bad enough.
step ten: we’re almost done here. fight through the pain in your jaw and take one for the team, because we have sheer power over them right now. one wrong move on his part, and we accidentally bite down. excuse: it’s an involuntary reaction on your jaw’s part. give us a break.
step eleven: it’s coming, you know it is. you have a few options here depending on the determined locale in his trajectory: 1.)for those of you who have assholes for partners, back away! better on your humble breasts then wadded up (it does this when it dries) in your beautiful hair (unless you’s a nasty bitch and it needs to be washed, in which case who the fuck cares). 2.) swallow. we’re proud and envious. 3.) for those of you who have predetermined where he wants to spread his seed: try really hard to either lay down or prop your feet up in the most graceful manner you can manage. if you try to crab walk this shit out, you just risked prolonging the experience. win this for mother russia.
step twelve: lay there and hope he has the decency to clean you up instead of chucking a musty towel over the crime scene with which you must utilize yourself.
there you have it, the secrets of the blow job. it’s not pretty is it?? here are some quotes from this discussion that accurately describe our thoughts during step 7-12.
“i don’t really care for 69. especially when he’s on top because then you have a face full of balls. and he’s all spread out too. it really doesn’t smell good.”
“even when i’m on top, my face is still right in his buttcrack, and it always smells.”
“i hate it when his balls hit me in the face.”
“why does it always smell? don’t they know about cottonelle wipes?”
enjoy your day. savour this information.