part 3: because i’m crazy

ahh the days when you all thought my cynical ass would stop at 200. bitch please.

1.) flat rockstars
2.) when the wrapper gets stuck to the last cherry jolly rancher
3.) women going through menopause in a hair salon
4.) still being an asshole to yourself and not bringing a sweater to work
5.) bad songs on pandora that have no relation to the station. ex: tom petty on the dirty heads. excuse me.
6.) people who run into you then get angry when you point out their rudeness
7.) guys with nipple rings
8.) when people don’t staple things evenly
9.) dirty keyboards
10.) throwback thursday. come the fuck on
11.) weak coffee
12.) weak mixed drinks
13.) FUCKING JÄGER
14.) how guilty you feel after eating taco bell
15.) jack johnson
16.) shitty toilet paper. pun always intended
17.) women who constantly talk about their children like they’re tiny greek gods
18.) swallowing hair
19.) eating your own hair
20.) thinking you’re alone and clear to fart
21.) making constant and uncomfortable eye contact with people in restaurants
22.) bad salsa
23.) old people who tell you their life story on the phone when all you wanted to know was when they wanted to make an appointment
24.) when people round off the time
25.) having nothing to do at work
26.) the gas station
27.) trying to pick anything up with acrylics
28.) looking girlier because of it
29.) guys who underestimate my bitchiness and ability to troll them
30.) rihanna, beyonce, nicki fucking minaj, katy perry, taylor swift
31.) seacrest
32.) people that think tupac is alive
33.) the level of cheese that true blood has met
34.) not being able to sleep with alexander skaarsgard
35.) megan fox’s thumbs
36.) the french
37.) wooooo girls. not particular to any location
38.) hair dye on your face before a date
39.) having a guy run his fingers through your hair when you have extensions
40.) when your makeup looks like shit no matter what you do
41.) people who ignore when you say bless you even though the thought of their germs heading towards your direct air space is appalling
42.) people who spell shit wrong or let autocorrect run their lives
43.) coworkers
44.) saturday. i work early
45.) when people tell you that the cigarette you’re smoking is bad for you
46.) fucking shit up at your new job
47.) the smell of bleach cooked onto foil
48.) visibly dirty feet
49.) post its that aren’t sticky
50.) stepping in something sticky
51.) forgetting to wear deodorant
52.) knowing your new boss may hate you
53.) knowing you may hate your new boss
54.) pimples
55.) having someone walk into the bathroom you’ve just bombed
56.) having a severely uneven tan
57.) sunburns in weird places
58.) birds that chirp at night
59.) bugs of all nature
60.) suicidal bunnies
61.) pillow marks on your face at work
62.) greasy hair
63.) tapping your feet to a song you know you hate
64.) singing along with taylor swift
65.) people who don’t think the screaming goats are the epicenter of youtube hilariousness
66.) 100.1 the edge
67.) obama. YAAAA I SAID IT
68.) the prius
69.) the smartcar
70.) the yaris
71.) getting passed by any of the above cars
72.) short cars in full parking lots
73.) children who cough and sneeze
74.) alright, children in general
75.) having an itch you can’t possibly scratch without offending someone
76.) thinking you itched it then making direct eye contact with someone afterwards
77.) running out of witty things to say
78.) forgetting everything your boss just instructed you to do
79.) that feeling you get when you drink too much coffee on an empty stomach. somewhere between alert and on the verge of diarrhea
80.) ecigarettes when you’re trying to quit
81.) getting dirty looks for using it in a non aerated building
82.) having to explain “IT’S FAKE CALM YOUR TITS”
83.) early morning headaches
84.) fake tits
85.) being too lazy to give yourself a pedicure
86.) talkative people
87.) tramp stamps
88.) people who are proud of them
89.) maroon 5
90.) the fact that adam levine is only sexy because of his tattoos
91.) men without tattoos. come on guys
92.) girls who go to extreme lengths to make sure you see the heart tattoo on their lower hip
93.) girls with facial piercings. gross
95.) creepy male coworkers
96.) knowing your purse is too big but hoarding it because you can keep your emergency slut supplies in it
97.) having emergency slut supplies
98.) women with dirty snatches
99.) pep spice. because you smell like a dirty snatch after you smoke it. every time
100.) wind

juvenile itunes mistakes

most people like to blog (can you believe our nation has stooped so low as to make that a verb?) in a comforting place.

I’M OUTSIDE freezing my ass off because my big scary pitbull is terrified of the wind.
sooo empire of the sun dropped a new single. i thought it was the entire album. well at least my dumbass preordered it and it will *hopefully* just automatically download later in fucking june -_____-

i’m in a bad mood these past few days. “what? no way is she cranky, stephanie is always a peach with rays of fucking sunshine coming out of her ass”
said no one. ever.
that’s cool breakup, i thought i was perfectly dandy and moved on and ready to start some shit with the rebound man. but of course not, why should things ever, god forbid, work out?
i’ll tell you why, because eve took the first bite of the forbidden fruit and forever dealt us the shit stick.
speaking of which, my boss switched my closing shift to an opening one after i made plans to go indulge in low calorie cocktails and cigarettes with brian the night before. that’s what advil and rockstars are for right? for those mornings after those nights which i just specifically laid out?
yes.

a bad batch of cheez its

i know what you’re all thinking: where has this hilarious bitch BEEN. the answer to the question that has been plaguing your every waking moment and tormenting all of your ill processed daydreams (just go with it) is that, girlfriend over here, has been a busy ass. work is sucking my very will to live right out of my flabby body. also, i haven’t been to ballet in ohhhhh 4 months? needless to say, i am about to be cliche.
did you see that? you thought i was going to spout another gem of my hilariousness, but instead i chose to rhyme unnecessarily.
guess what? i am also single and ready to NOT mingle because, as slipknot so lovingly phrased it: fuck you all, fuck this world, fuck everything that you stand for.
ok ok i’m not THAT girl now. what i’m really trying to say is that i am finally free of the life sucking bonds of a relationship that has a child involved. oh and the stupid bastard cheated on me.
free at last, free at last; thank buddha all whiny i am free at last.
here’s the catch: there’s this dude -___-
not a negative tiny whale face by any means, more so a face that seems to be saying: you really can’t stay single for more than a month can you? you are a weak suck.
but then i think on the brighter side of the street because billie holiday inspired me to do so; hey, you can’t stay single because the men are flying off the man shelves at you faster than you can say “i’m sorry for offending you mr. chuck norris, sir”
i am off, my miniony followers who i dearly love.
beer awaits and so does a buff man who happens to share my obsession with youtube. for all you ladies out there, he has no friends 😉