something that DOESN’T suck






excuse me while i come down from my “you like me, you really like me!!” moment and deflate my ego. NAH forget that.

my measly blog has struck the fancy of a certain awesome blogger >>>>>((<<<<< and she has bequeathed me with a token of awesomeness.

yes, i love a da writing (spoken in true jamaicamon form) and it pleases me so to see that it shows through my masterpieces.

ok, works.

ok, pieces.

ok, it’s a freaking blog and half the time i don’t even check to see if my grammar is proper.


love you bro.

ahhhhh, i shall stop babbling and answer the questions given to me so i can go study for my state board exam. which is tomorrow. i started vaguely studying yesterday. WISH ME LUCK YOU BASTARDS

first things: 11 facts about the crazy cat lady behind this blog

  • 6 cats. 2 dogs. not enough fur to make me happy
  • there is always cat puke somewhere in my room or within a 5 foot radius of wherever i am in the house
  • enough about cats. i have the greatest pitbull in the world.
  • ballet. sometimes i love it, mostly i hate it. but i still do it.
  • sometimes, i don’t stop eating because whatever is in my mouth is way too yummy to squander
  • hi, my name is stephanie, and i’m a wine o holic
  • pretty sure my boyfriend reads NONE of this
  • damn proud of my 1480 SAT score from 2009. ya ya, it’s in the past. is the scoring different now? cause when i took it, that was an awesome score.
  • sidetracked. all. the. time.
  • not afraid to scratch my boobs or pick a wedgie in the sober daytime
  • over thinking what this last tid bit should be. that’s it. i over think. every ting

1)       Who or what has most influenced your writing?

* the definitely not serious and borderline offensive style: louise rennison

* the actual compilations that you will probably never see because they’re a part of my       soul: ellen hopkins and libba bray

2)       What is your favourite memory?

* oregon as a kid

3)       If you were stranded on a deserted island, what is the one book you would want with you?

* any one of the gemma doyle trilogy books. you may desert me on an island and throw any of those along with me, and i’ll be happy.

4)       Do you have a writing routine?

* absolutely not

5)       What was the last song you turned up loud and sang along with?

* lord have mercy…….short dick man. really! it’s funny

6)       Of what are you most proud?

* my puppy. it’s like i gave birth to this awesome pseudo child but it’s not human, thank god.

7)       Which of your blog posts is your best and why?

* 100 things that suck part one and two. because they’re all true and anyone who reads it probably thinks “dammit, i fucking hate when that happens”

8)       What is your favourite quote?

* as far as cages go, it is a gilded one. but i shall not live well in it, or any cage -libba bray

9)       Where is “home” for you (either literally or figuratively)?

* literally, the desert and it sucks. figuratively, next to my boyfriend’s hairy chest and low rumble of a snore, slightly sweaty from being trapped under his one arm and leg.

10)   Tea or coffee?

* like that’s even a question. TEA

11)   Finish this sentence: Tomorrow, I really want…

* to pass state board and get my license. then celebrate with cocktails and a spa day

P.S. i will go on to nominate those 11 fabulous bloggers when i have the time to search and decide. you won’t be forgotten!













and heeeeeeeyyyyyyaaaaaa ahhhhhhhhh yo questions. don’t expect them to be relative to anything serious or involving literature:
1.) what do you bring with you when you know you’re about to spend some quality time in your poo haven?
2.) what are your views on hairless cats?
3.) do you really work out and try to eat right, or are you just damn lucky to be naturally in decent shape?
4.) how many hours into the day until your feet smell?
5.) how many of you will take a celebratory shot for this bitch right here who is licensed and employed within 3 days of passing her test?
6.) dis for mah gentleman readers: would you proudly take a frou frou shot/drink and like it?
7.) what length would you go to to punch nicki minaj in the face?
8.) do guys really mean it when they say your 2 day old hair and unshaven legs don’t bother them?
9.) what’s your favourite jenna marbles video? (if you haven’t seen any, you’re dead to me and should be taken off this list)
10.) would you believe me if i told you that i’ve been published? cause you should
11.) have you ever been directly peed/puked on by any or one of your own pets?
PS: you are to write a blog about this and: make 11 facts about yourself that can potentially make people giggle, and answer my fucking brilliantly worded questions that are in no way boring. pretty much an acceptance speech for an inanimate award. you should also mention me as well because i have been nice to you. not that this is a stipulation of my ego, but it’s actually a rule. a cyberspace rule that may or may not be followed, depending on how much of a douche you are 😀

realizing when you’re being a dick



typically, around the end of the work day, i’ve had it up to the line where most old men wear their trousers. today is a little different. don’t get me wrong, i’ve still been irate most of the day, especially when someone walks in right as my stomach decides that taco bell was a poor lunch choice.

     SOO this old lady walks in, she already has that look on her face that reads sketchy on the personality front. i give her her bill and she is less than pleased with the two hundred dollar price tag. she writes the check, hands it to me, and i say thank you and have a nice day. naturally, i get no response back. fine. don’t have a nice day, have a shitty one and pick up some butterscotch on your way home. 

i resume my moderately amusing but more of a time consuming book when in walks my manager (HA that’s my dad) bearing a grocery bag. inside are a pair of insanely fuzzy slippers that you will wear even though the size is too big, AND….wait for it…………………………a plastic tin of gummi bears. apparently, the old lady had asked who i was then given the goodies to my dad to bequeath to me. 

it’s like she knew that i can’t ever take a road trip or have a sad/fat day on the couch without my beloved myriad of rainbow gummi mammals. and that slippers are the shit, no matter the size.

here comes your daily cliche. 

never judge an old lady by her mean facial expressions and/or unpleasant demeanor. 


having a freshly painted nail break off


my beautiful stiletto nails have been absolutely tarnished by the demon that is breakage. this being the second one to split in an oddly convenient place, i’m debating on whether or not i should fix the nail myself and risk the possible hideous outcome, or do i chop down the acrylic trees and file them down to straight nails. 

i will fix it, i will conquer.

enough about that, partly because my hair is braided in that half ass not really sure i care how many fuzzies are sticking out or how even my part is way. no makeup. i have an inky feeling that my supplies will soon be splayed out in the bathroom and a customer will walk in when i’ve only got one eyebrow done. you should really see it, the difference is striking (and not in a good way). it gives off that “i’m crazy” impression. perhaps one day when i’m in that mood, i’ll post it. 

for all the ladies out there who don’t have to construct their eyebrows everyday in an attempt to not look like you are all forehead and eye sockets, i sincerely hate you. that goes for the rest of you who don’t need foundation, serious hair products, the whole nine yards. just go live on an island somewhere so the rest of us can get on about our lives without having to see you. it’s starting to become a problem.

on another note, fifty shades has made an interesting turn. not that i already opened the last chapter and read a few lines, which completely spoiled ohhh everything. no, no i did not do that at all. i was still surprised, even after reading it and thinking “well dammit, now i can’t finish the book because i know what to expect.” however, i still have the feeling that once i start reading, all emotions will get sucked out and shot into a parallel book universe where the dialogue changes and the characters evolve. way to go lady, you’ve successfully turned me into one of those women who sits around barnes and noble wearing fake glasses reading your outpour of things you wish happened in your daily life. ALL whilst sipping on your latte from the local starbucks. don’t you feel sophisticated and mysterious? like some young billionaire actually exists and is going to take you away from fred, your husband who used to bring you flowers and tell you how beautiful you are, but now he watches a lot of football and only pulls you aside to whisper in your ear during a sad house party “i have to take gnarly shit, hold my beer”

i feel better about finishing the book now that i’ve expressed my frustrations with the author.


anyone out there watch jenna marbles? cause i’m starting to get a little less than impressed with her videos since her and max nosleeves broke up. in what universe was THAT ok? it wasn’t and we all think they need to be together to make weird looking babies with a righteous sense of humour. based on her hair video and the length of their relationship, she will soon be sporting a short haircut and not be blonde anymore. perhaps she won’t have the patience to put on her fake eyelashes everyday and MAYBE, just maybe, her ass won’t look so amazing anymore. here’s hoping that she bounces back soon because i need her to make life funny for me. morbidly obese chance that jenna ever sees this blog, i love you homebody and your shit stinks better than anyone else’s. tease that hair up high as giraffe pussy and show off your sweater puppies, because we love you no matter what.  



when your socks come off with your pants

EL-James-for-webto keep in the spirit of constant negativity, my blogs will be titled with a phrase of things relating to things that suck. let’s face it, too many things suck rather than not. and i’m also too scatterbrained to stick with a title topic.

i got home 10 minutes before my father got up for work. bad llama

getting increasingly more disinterested with the 50 shades of grey series. hey there e.l. james, i didn’t buy your racy and, let’s face it, detailed look into how you live your life to read about how she cries ALL the time after sex because she just loves him so much. this bitch. i do believe the topic on the spine reads “erotic romance.” crying during and after sex, detailed food scenes, too many stupid fights to fathom, ana saying the phrases: holy cow, holy fuck, oh my, holy shit on EVERY PAGE, them discussing (and crying) about how they can’t ever lose each other in every chapter, oh my godddddddddd, NOT AT ALL EROTIC. and a sex scene lasts like a page and half. come on. the first book was great because we were all led to think that this would be a 3 book series on how to have a dominant and submissive relationship. wrong, so so wrong.

quickbooks will NOT stop freezing and shutting down today. wtf mac, you’re supposed to be the alpha computer that doesn’t get viruses and do all the annoying shit that a pc does. guess what apple, i’d rather stick with windows 98 thank you.

it needs to be tomorrow so i can stuff my face with buffalo wild wings and drink lots of raspberry shock top. i really hate it when both teams suck and you can’t get into the game because you wish both teams would magically loose like a reverse hunger games. GO PATRIOTS

currently regretting leaving the home made tamale in my fridge.

mo money? less problems. dumbasses