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100 things that suck

i’ll start by saying that i was up before the sun. just so i can look helplessly out the window at the rainy weather, wishing i could be trouncing through puddles with my dog (or be inside with a cup of tea and netflix….or idkkkkk sleeping) instead of saying “can i help you?”

1.) asking if you can help people when you know you would never on your life actually want to provide any service for them

2.) waking up on any schedule

3.) running out of tea that is only sold in a chinese restaurant 60 miles from home. and also, craving their eggflower soup

4.) mystery stains on your keyboard

5.) actually, any mystery stain

6.) tiny bathrooms when you have to poop and every sound bounces off those tiny, tiny walls

7.) having to poop anywhere that is not home

8.) urgent poops, especially when you have customers in the lobby or a new boyfriend within 10 feet

9.) the commom cold. who’s with me?

10.) licking envelopes

11.) thinking you’re going to let out a silent fart only to discover that you now have to cover up the noise by making an excuse like: i scuffed my shoe, it was the chair, or completely denying the fart at all costs

12.) when the sun greedily inhabits every crack in your room when you’re trying to sleep

13.) mixed drinks that either contain flat soda or entirely too much alcohol to be enjoyable/non flammable

14.) bad fries

15.) that feeling you get when you’re pretty sure that chinese chicken bowl contained zero poultry product

16.) going out to eat with vegetarians (kim, you’re the only exception to this)

17.) going out to eat with a friend, they order just a salad while you were anxiously waiting to devour an overly sized burger/chicken sandwich, fries, soda/beer, maybe snack on some chips and salsa while you’re waiting

18.) going to grab drinks with someone who’s sad about their drinking problem

19.) receiving that call/text: “hey, i’m in AA now and part of my recovery is apologizing for past discrepancies…..”

20.) customers who practically scream into the phone in your lobby which doesn’t have much room for those sound waves..when you’re hungover

21.) being hungover at work, school, early morning workouts

22.) being hungover

23.) knowing your alcohol limit, and still going over it like you’re still 17 and eager to show your friends how badass you are

24.) people who think they’re badass

25.) typing with acrylic nails

26.) doctor offices that actually enforce the no cell phone rule

27.) relying entirely on your 4g to distract you while you wait for anything, only to have at&t constantly let you down

28.) getting to an awesome part in a youtube video anddddddddd it freezes. buffering is a dirty word

29.) having a tiny trashcan in your bathroom that seems to fill daily

30.) needing to throw something away only to see that, shit, there’s a tiny trashcan already full to burst

31.) being uncomfortably full

32.) people who write lists like these (which are intended to be funny) and include such items as: getting hurt, loving someone who doesn’t even know it, cheating. way to bring down the mood, sir buzz killington

33.) people who don’t like family guy and american dad.

34.) having to repeat yourself

35.) those people in class who are constantly asking the teacher to repeat, spell, explain things

36.) books that suck

37.) the people who are trying to act non conformist by bagging on the writing ability of stephanie myers, when you know they’ve never read a scrap of literature and their opinion is obsolete

38.) people who use “you’re and your” in the incorrect context at all times

39.) people who continue to use those words in the wrong context after you’ve pointed out their idiocy

40.) women who freak out about turning 40. it’s called botox and lying, if you’re so worried about it

41.) being a woman and talking to an 18 year old girl. period

42.) people who not only leave the cheez it box open and not in the cupboard, but also leave only a handful of cheez its

43.) being hungry when your mom is on a diet

44.) things on comedy central that under no circumstances are funny

45.) when netflix is broken

46.) other people’s cats when you’re housesitting

47.)  having a tiny bladder

48.) long car rides and diarrhea

49.) long car rides with people who listen to a.m. radio, don’t exercise temperature control

50.) people who don’t know how to USE THEIR CRUISE CONTROL

51.) brake happy drivers

52.) drivers that brake uphill, on every corner, at random intervals

53.) slow drivers in the fast lane

54.) slow drivers in both lanes, who must be best friends because they’re driving side by side

55.) cigarette butts that hit your windshield

56.) semis that get in the fast lane to pass other semis

57.) student drivers who make you feel inwardly guilty about passing them at an unnecessary speed and closeness

58.) cops who pull you over for fun

59.) eager new cops

60.) country music

61.) rap

62.) people at subway that order 10 subs and proceed to have the most detailed ordering you’ve ever heard

63.) when taco bell gets your order wrong

64.) fat people in the drive thru

65.) fat people on motorized scooters, when that 93 year old lady in the aisle is walking without a cane and grabbing her own bread from a shelf that she has to reach for

66.) old people who are disgruntled no matter how many times you say sir/ma’am and practically break your face in half in the attempt to act happy

67.) buying tampons, condoms for the first time

68.) wanting the juiciest meat in your mouth and belly, and only being in the presence of pretzels

69.) being friends with your mom on facebook

70.) not being able to delete your mom for fear of the following inquisition

71.) when your iphone repeatedly types another letter and then autocorrects you once you finally spell out the word

72.) hipsters. you know who you are

73.) instagram fiends

74.) when such words as iphone (and all other extensions of the iFamily), instagram, anything apple related are underlined in red on your computer. it’s not in webster, i don’t want to capitalize it

75.) when you think your nail polish is out of the newborn stage and you decide to get brave and start opening things, and you completely ruin it

76.) people who fart in public when there isn’t a breeze to carry away the guilty little excretion

77.) getting out of the shower and then having to take a massive poop

78.) when you go to mcdonalds strictly for the fries, and you receive and mediocre and grossly under salted batch

79.) when you order at starbucks “room for cream” and half of your coffee has gone missing

80.) people who look pensive at stabucks with their headphones and tiny laptops

81.) skinny girls who are constantly saying how they need to gain weight

82.) people who leave poop in the toilet

83.) people who let their children run around, roll around on the floor, blatantly disrespect them in public

84.) not being able to slap those children

85.) moms who get offended that the rest of the world doesn’t think pregnancy is beautiful, and that we don’t want to see your saggy, milk crusted, beat up and red nipples

86.) people who don’t like betty white

87.) girls with large, saggy boobs who don’t wear a bra

88.) fat girls who wear leggings with full ass panties

89.) when that guy in front of you in line has any of the following qualities: an abnormally long crack that you can’t stop looking at, body odor, bad breath that radiates through your very core, talks to you too much, talks to you at all

90.) when people in line at such places like subway, chipotle, chronic tacos stand so close to you that every time you move an inch, so do they

91.) those people that get offended when you ask them to kindly get the fuck out of your comfort zone

92.) when your mom laughs at her favourite comedian who says “fuck” 32 times in an hour, but gets mad when you use it in a hilarious context

93.) when you suddenly lose your passion for draw something and farm town and now you have nothing to do because those apps used to take up the majority of your days off

94.) laundry

95.) that one person who coughs exagerratively (i know that’s not a word but dammit if it doesn’t complete this thought) in the presence of their smoker friends. go get new friends who like oxygen bars and think jamba juice is a meal

96.) those tobacco commercials that depict a smoke cloud opening doors and finding a baby to breeze over

97.) teen moms that are proud

98.) mtv

99.) when the minus button on a calculator gives you a ridiculous and obviously incorrect number

100.) visiting a friend and whilst taking a shower, you discover they don’t have soap….just body wash

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About she who has no filter

i work 50 hours a week and don't always make time to actually maintain this site. JUDGE ME ASSHOLES. prepare yourself for exemplary wit and a whole lotta talk smackery.

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