keep it in your toilet

you thought this was about to be another poop rant didn’t you? i wouldn’t be surprised seeing as poop and farts and other such things amuse me so.

no gentlemen, or should i say honkies because you don’t deserve such a noble title? 

WHY CAN’T YOU PEE IN THE TOILET

i just bleached the entirety of the men’s bathroom, and let me tell you something ladies: you are lucky if you never have to witness what i do on a weekly basis. not only is it the men’s bathroom, it’s the men’s bathroom at an auto shop. so, not only do i have to worry about coming into contact with the urine/feces of 5 different men, there’s a layer of grease mixed oh so disgustingly into the lot.

key points to cleaning a man’s poo haven

  • start with the toilet, it’s your number one offense. not only do they manage to splatter the seat and the floor, little streaks run down the outside of the bowl as if their goal was to cover the entire surface. also, little flecks of poo are running amuck so make sure you check every crevice. sidenotethere will also be pubes strewn in random places. i just found one on the very top of the lid. i suggest you use bleach..everywhere
  • your next step is the sink. lord have mercy. they even make the sink appalling. they may as well sit their ass in the sink and do their business there. most bodily hairs are found here. carefully wipe down the surface, then proceed to decontaminate. poo particles are transferred from the ass, to the toilet paper, to their finger (commonly referred to as “shit finger”) to the sink. 
  • you know what, just bleach everything.

lastly, you should have either been holding your breath or at least wearing a mask for this procedure.    

it is a procedure.

i’m off to have a beer with the loo offenders. at least they don’t fart in front of me yet (this excludes my father entirely)

 

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part two. because more things pissed me off in particular today

1.) pills that either taste so nasty that your throat closes up and rejects the pill, or stick to the roof of your mouth, which also results in your throat denying any pill access. 

2.) biting your lip

3.) biting your lip in the same place

4.) having clean hair but putting too much product in it so now it looks greasy

5.) when your curls only hold on one side of your head so you look like you really don’t know how to do your own hair properly

6.) when one eye has better eyeshadow/mascara

7.) people who don’t signal

8.) people who purposefully move so far over that you can’t pass them

9.) having to pee after you get your nails done

10.) cupboards that never quite make it all the way closed

11.) when your clothes get caught on a door handle and you look like a jackass for wrestling with the handle to give you back your shirt or pants

12.) when your fingers are dry and you can’t turn the pages

13.) calling customer service, and absolutely none of the numbers describe the nature of your problem

14.) when ctrl p fails you

15.) the fact that the siri in the commercials is infinitely more intelligent and helpful than the one you are actually given 

16.) when your fingers are too cold for your heat responsive iphone to know that you’re there

17.) the iphone charger. why is it so short?

18.) dropping your phone on your face in bed

19.) thinking you’re old enough to watch a scary movie without getting the creeps when you finally go to bed. but only after watching spongebob to get your mind off it

20.) the wayans brothers

21.) most modern snl skits

22.) people who don’t laugh at “dick in a box” or are opposed to making it your halloween costume 

23.) when i answer the phone with my company name, and the dumbass on the other end asks if this is <insert company name> 

24.) when you go for a tissue and the whole box decides it’s time to come out

25.) extremely thing tissues

26.) getting a crusty nose as a result of the common cold.

27.) when the toilet water horrifically rises as you flush it (this is not particular to any location)

28.)  when you get to a light before anyone else, yet your light is last to change

29.) people who start to accelerate and somehow plateau at 25 mph before waiting another mile to start speeding up

30.) people who can’t stay in their own lane

31.) people who think that a light rain is a tropical storm and that you are required to drive 20 miles under the speed limit WHILE slamming on the breaks for a huge puddle

32.) people not familiar with the road you take home

33.) traffic.

34.) fat people who move a lot in the booth behind you

35.) asians that charge you a dolla to use your credit card

36.) even worse, when white people charge you to use your card

37.) asian ladies at the nail salon

38.) stubbing your toes. mainly the pinky

39.) pants that fit, but you still can’t get the button to close because the manufacturer made the button hole smaller than it should be

40.) feeling like a fatass because of it ^^

41.) bell bottom pants that could fit a child in each leg

42.) jeans that ride so low you need a bikini wax and you better hope you have a short buttcrack

43.) chihuahuas

44.) small dogs that bark or bite your ankles

45.) owners of those dogs

46.) old people at the store that are wrong about the discount, even though the clerk gives it to them anyway

47.) slow grocery store employees

48.) the DMfreakingV

49.) the people who work at the DMV

50.) even the envelope your DMV information comes in

51.) doctors who are all too quick to write you a prescription without even mentioning the results of your urine sample 

52.) making a urine sample and trying so hard not to pee on your own hand

53.) handling the urine sample, because the feeling of pee warmed containers is just wrong

54.) being parched, and only having a warm water bottle to drink from which, coincidentally, tastes like plastic because it’s been baking in the sun and all of the chemicals have seeped into your supply

55.) people who are so sure they’re right about something, they’ll bet you

56.) being that person, and losing money

57.) the person who waits till they have everyone’s attention, tells a joke, then makes sure everyone laughs by making uncomfortable eye contact with each person

58.) prolonged eye contact

59.) prolonged hugging

60.) awkward silences

61.) homophobes

62.) bros

63.) hummers

64.) mexican guys that hit on you and say things like “bonita, hermosa, novia, corazon”

65.) black guys that hit on you and say “i don’t care” when you tell them you have a boyfriend

66.) older guys in jeans with receding hairlines that try to make conversation with you

67.) being just drunk enough to where you have to squint and/or keep one eye closed to text

68.) people who think their ecigarettes make them look sophisticated

69.) people who make 69 jokes whenever the opportunity arises

70.) celebrity marriages

71.) celebrity babies

72.) tmz

73.) people who can’t spell and ask you

74.) people who aren’t even listening to your conversation but say “whatttt” whenever you get excited or pissed off about something

75.) people who get offended when you get annoyed that they just butted into your conversation wanting to know the details when they put in zero effort

76.) people who try to talk politics when they don’t know shit

77.) people who don’t tip you after you’ve just spent your time on them

78.) parts drivers. they always hit on the female receptionist

79.) working at an auto shop (which i do) and having the male customers watch everything you write on the repair order then they STILL ask to see a mechanic. all because you’re a woman

80.) women who act stupid on purpose

81.) women who can’t drive

82.) asian women in minivans. the “trifecta”

83.) backseat drivers

84.) when your mom uses the “oh shit” handle at every opportunity

85.) when your uncle teaches you how to drive

86.) mullets

87.) fat people who breathe so heavily that you’re worried they’re stealing all of the oxygen in the vicinity

88.) fat people on disability

89.) welfare

90.) taxes

91.) the cost of a room at the cosmopolitan in vegas 😦

92.) not being able to party in vegas every weekend

93.) people who wear patterns that don’t match

94.) when people: let their t shirt hang out under their sweatshirt, leave their jean pockets slightly out, have one or both sleeves slightly rolled up and NOT do anything about it (this also applies to the hem) shoelaces for belts, hats barely secured to head and tilted sideways

95.) when people think that acting ghetto and having swag is a good thing

96.) when you have to turn your router on and off every time you need to use the internet

97.) when your mac freezes 50 times a day.

98.) when you’re not sure if there is or isn’t poop on your shoes

99.) when there is poop on your shoes

100.) wanting to poop, but only producing little pellets 

Image

 

100 things that suck

i’ll start by saying that i was up before the sun. just so i can look helplessly out the window at the rainy weather, wishing i could be trouncing through puddles with my dog (or be inside with a cup of tea and netflix….or idkkkkk sleeping) instead of saying “can i help you?”

1.) asking if you can help people when you know you would never on your life actually want to provide any service for them

2.) waking up on any schedule

3.) running out of tea that is only sold in a chinese restaurant 60 miles from home. and also, craving their eggflower soup

4.) mystery stains on your keyboard

5.) actually, any mystery stain

6.) tiny bathrooms when you have to poop and every sound bounces off those tiny, tiny walls

7.) having to poop anywhere that is not home

8.) urgent poops, especially when you have customers in the lobby or a new boyfriend within 10 feet

9.) the commom cold. who’s with me?

10.) licking envelopes

11.) thinking you’re going to let out a silent fart only to discover that you now have to cover up the noise by making an excuse like: i scuffed my shoe, it was the chair, or completely denying the fart at all costs

12.) when the sun greedily inhabits every crack in your room when you’re trying to sleep

13.) mixed drinks that either contain flat soda or entirely too much alcohol to be enjoyable/non flammable

14.) bad fries

15.) that feeling you get when you’re pretty sure that chinese chicken bowl contained zero poultry product

16.) going out to eat with vegetarians (kim, you’re the only exception to this)

17.) going out to eat with a friend, they order just a salad while you were anxiously waiting to devour an overly sized burger/chicken sandwich, fries, soda/beer, maybe snack on some chips and salsa while you’re waiting

18.) going to grab drinks with someone who’s sad about their drinking problem

19.) receiving that call/text: “hey, i’m in AA now and part of my recovery is apologizing for past discrepancies…..”

20.) customers who practically scream into the phone in your lobby which doesn’t have much room for those sound waves..when you’re hungover

21.) being hungover at work, school, early morning workouts

22.) being hungover

23.) knowing your alcohol limit, and still going over it like you’re still 17 and eager to show your friends how badass you are

24.) people who think they’re badass

25.) typing with acrylic nails

26.) doctor offices that actually enforce the no cell phone rule

27.) relying entirely on your 4g to distract you while you wait for anything, only to have at&t constantly let you down

28.) getting to an awesome part in a youtube video anddddddddd it freezes. buffering is a dirty word

29.) having a tiny trashcan in your bathroom that seems to fill daily

30.) needing to throw something away only to see that, shit, there’s a tiny trashcan already full to burst

31.) being uncomfortably full

32.) people who write lists like these (which are intended to be funny) and include such items as: getting hurt, loving someone who doesn’t even know it, cheating. way to bring down the mood, sir buzz killington

33.) people who don’t like family guy and american dad.

34.) having to repeat yourself

35.) those people in class who are constantly asking the teacher to repeat, spell, explain things

36.) books that suck

37.) the people who are trying to act non conformist by bagging on the writing ability of stephanie myers, when you know they’ve never read a scrap of literature and their opinion is obsolete

38.) people who use “you’re and your” in the incorrect context at all times

39.) people who continue to use those words in the wrong context after you’ve pointed out their idiocy

40.) women who freak out about turning 40. it’s called botox and lying, if you’re so worried about it

41.) being a woman and talking to an 18 year old girl. period

42.) people who not only leave the cheez it box open and not in the cupboard, but also leave only a handful of cheez its

43.) being hungry when your mom is on a diet

44.) things on comedy central that under no circumstances are funny

45.) when netflix is broken

46.) other people’s cats when you’re housesitting

47.)  having a tiny bladder

48.) long car rides and diarrhea

49.) long car rides with people who listen to a.m. radio, don’t exercise temperature control

50.) people who don’t know how to USE THEIR CRUISE CONTROL

51.) brake happy drivers

52.) drivers that brake uphill, on every corner, at random intervals

53.) slow drivers in the fast lane

54.) slow drivers in both lanes, who must be best friends because they’re driving side by side

55.) cigarette butts that hit your windshield

56.) semis that get in the fast lane to pass other semis

57.) student drivers who make you feel inwardly guilty about passing them at an unnecessary speed and closeness

58.) cops who pull you over for fun

59.) eager new cops

60.) country music

61.) rap

62.) people at subway that order 10 subs and proceed to have the most detailed ordering you’ve ever heard

63.) when taco bell gets your order wrong

64.) fat people in the drive thru

65.) fat people on motorized scooters, when that 93 year old lady in the aisle is walking without a cane and grabbing her own bread from a shelf that she has to reach for

66.) old people who are disgruntled no matter how many times you say sir/ma’am and practically break your face in half in the attempt to act happy

67.) buying tampons, condoms for the first time

68.) wanting the juiciest meat in your mouth and belly, and only being in the presence of pretzels

69.) being friends with your mom on facebook

70.) not being able to delete your mom for fear of the following inquisition

71.) when your iphone repeatedly types another letter and then autocorrects you once you finally spell out the word

72.) hipsters. you know who you are

73.) instagram fiends

74.) when such words as iphone (and all other extensions of the iFamily), instagram, anything apple related are underlined in red on your computer. it’s not in webster, i don’t want to capitalize it

75.) when you think your nail polish is out of the newborn stage and you decide to get brave and start opening things, and you completely ruin it

76.) people who fart in public when there isn’t a breeze to carry away the guilty little excretion

77.) getting out of the shower and then having to take a massive poop

78.) when you go to mcdonalds strictly for the fries, and you receive and mediocre and grossly under salted batch

79.) when you order at starbucks “room for cream” and half of your coffee has gone missing

80.) people who look pensive at stabucks with their headphones and tiny laptops

81.) skinny girls who are constantly saying how they need to gain weight

82.) people who leave poop in the toilet

83.) people who let their children run around, roll around on the floor, blatantly disrespect them in public

84.) not being able to slap those children

85.) moms who get offended that the rest of the world doesn’t think pregnancy is beautiful, and that we don’t want to see your saggy, milk crusted, beat up and red nipples

86.) people who don’t like betty white

87.) girls with large, saggy boobs who don’t wear a bra

88.) fat girls who wear leggings with full ass panties

89.) when that guy in front of you in line has any of the following qualities: an abnormally long crack that you can’t stop looking at, body odor, bad breath that radiates through your very core, talks to you too much, talks to you at all

90.) when people in line at such places like subway, chipotle, chronic tacos stand so close to you that every time you move an inch, so do they

91.) those people that get offended when you ask them to kindly get the fuck out of your comfort zone

92.) when your mom laughs at her favourite comedian who says “fuck” 32 times in an hour, but gets mad when you use it in a hilarious context

93.) when you suddenly lose your passion for draw something and farm town and now you have nothing to do because those apps used to take up the majority of your days off

94.) laundry

95.) that one person who coughs exagerratively (i know that’s not a word but dammit if it doesn’t complete this thought) in the presence of their smoker friends. go get new friends who like oxygen bars and think jamba juice is a meal

96.) those tobacco commercials that depict a smoke cloud opening doors and finding a baby to breeze over

97.) teen moms that are proud

98.) mtv

99.) when the minus button on a calculator gives you a ridiculous and obviously incorrect number

100.) visiting a friend and whilst taking a shower, you discover they don’t have soap….just body wash

optional

today signifies my one year anniversary/completion of talking about nothing other than my hair and makeup. wow, i feel so proud of myself -__- how do i celebrate? hash brown bites in the morning, chicken sandwich and soda for lunch (even though my body was inwardly saying why the hell are we even going down this caloric road) and so far a giant bowl of rice krispies (evidently, i hid the box in my room so my mom wouldn’t eat any. that’s just sad) even though i was still quintuplet full from lunch. the rest of the day has yet to be accounted for.

SO: 1.) i will not eat in the morning i will not eat in the morning i will not eat in the morning.

2.) no more soda, as if the feeling that one of my teeth will fall out whenever i shake my head or walk like a determined elephant on its way to the loo isn’t bad enough, i will get large. sure dr. pepper, i may be one of a kind, but i will be one of a wide kind and homie don’t play that.

3.) narrow down alcohol intake to wine and wine only. this shouldn’t be a difficult one for me. though i long for anything half filled with malibu rum.

4.) i will not blow off ballet. except in the event that any of the following are possible: sushi, date night, seeing an awesome friend who always makes racist/irreverent/crippled/you name it jokes and picks paint chips off a deserted wall while running from bugs of unusually heinous size, anything involving kittens, puppies, dolphins, etc.,

my minions! join me in my strife for health and actual energy (not the kind that makes your spit/pee weird colours.. which also may or may not contain bull sperm).

on another note, i feel a solitary hair protruding from my chin. this is not ok. guess who doesn’t have tweezers? maybe pliers would work. will get back to you on that.

i can’t stop touching that little hair.

DAMN YOU VELLUS HAIR

aufwedersehn!

stiletto acrylics and mac keyboards. not friends.

this blog will be about as bipolar as a pms-ing, lithium and prozac injected sasquatch being teased with jerky.

you may quote me.

of course i get the brilliant idea to start up a new blog and finally find an outlet for suppressed anger and other various emotions (mainly anger). now i have nothing to say. end of my work day and i only have a quarter bottle of pinot grigio beckoning to me from my fridge…”drink meeee drink meeee and eat the remainder of your chicken(?) bowl from that chinese place across from mcdonalds which is now under the new management of two pint sized yet scary chinese women.” doesn’t your wine speak to you like that in times of distress? and also other times which can under no circumstances be found distressing?

mine does.

i’ve been in a foul humour lately. most recently because twice i have written some awesome shit, published it, and later discovered that oh hey, it’s not there. in a world where everyone is abandoning pc’s and desktops, you’d think my iphone would let me publish a measly blog post so i can validate my vocabulary and general hilariousness.
it better work this time.